Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After completing his check-up, the doctor told the elderly man, “You seem to be in good health. Is there anything medical you’d like to ask me?”

“Yes,” the man replied. “After I make love to my wife the first time, I’m hot and sweaty. But when we make love the second time, I’m cold and chilly.”

The doctor then examined the man’s wife and said, “Everything looks fine. Do you have any concerns you want to discuss?”
She said she had none.

The doctor continued, “Your husband mentioned something unusual. He says he’s hot and sweaty after making love the first time, but cold and chilly after the second. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that silly old man,” she said. “The first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January.”

It was 1943, during the Second World War, when an Italian officer, a Japanese imperial officer, and a German officer were captured and placed in a holding cell awaiting Allied interrogation.

The German declared, “My superior strength will withstand any torture. I will reveal nothing.”

The Japanese officer vowed, “I will never disgrace my country by giving up our secrets.”

The Italian sighed, “Well, I’m finished.”

The Allies took the German first. When he was returned the next day, bruised and battered, he admitted, “I failed. I told them everything.”

Next they took the Japanese officer. Two days later he was brought back in terrible condition. He confessed, “I have shamed the Emperor. I revealed all our secrets.”

Finally, the Italian was taken—already crying and begging for mercy. Two weeks passed with no word. When they finally dragged him back, barely alive, the guard remarked, “Unbelievable. The other two talked immediately, but the Italian refused to say a single word.”

They threw him back into the cell, and the German and Japanese officers rushed over, demanding to know how he had resisted.

The Italian replied, “Mamma mia, I wanted to tell them everything… but they tied my hands behind my back.”

A mother-in-law comes home from shopping and finds her son-in-law, Pete, in a furious rage, shoving clothes into a suitcase.

“What on earth is going on, Paddy?” she asks nervously.

“What’s going on? I’ll tell you exactly what! I emailed my wife to let her know I was coming home early from my fishing trip. I walk through the door… and what do I find? Your daughter—my wife, Jean—completely naked in our bed with Tim McDurmt! That’s it. I’m done. Our marriage is over. I’m leaving for good!”

“Now, now, Paddy, calm down,” his mother-in-law replies. “This makes no sense. Jean would never do something like that. There has to be a simple explanation. Let me talk to her.”

A few minutes later she returns with a cheerful grin.

“See, Pete? I told you there would be a perfectly simple explanation!”

“Well? WHAT IS IT?” Pete shouts.

“She never got your email!”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One afternoon their hormones teamed up against them, and they sprinted to her house. After a “very productive” few hours, they both passed out cold and didn’t wake until 10 p.m.

The man jumped up, threw on his clothes, and said, “Quick! Take my shoes outside and rub them all over the grass and dirt!”

Confused but loyal to the chaos, she did it.
He slipped on the freshly “nature-kissed” shoes and headed home.

As soon as he walked in, his wife barked, “Where have you been?”

Taking the “honesty is the best policy” approach—just this once—he said, “I won’t lie. I was with my secretary. We… spent the afternoon together, and I fell asleep at her place.”

His wife glanced at his dirty shoes, pointed, and yelled:
“Don’t give me that! You’ve been playing golf!”

An 80-year-old woman got arrested for shoplifting, and when she stood before the judge, he asked, “Ma’am, what exactly did you steal?”

She answered, “A can of peaches.”

The judge frowned. “And why did you steal peaches?”

“I was hungry,” she said.

He nodded and asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”

“Six.”

“Well then,” the judge said, “I’ll have to give you six days in jail.”

Before he could finish, the woman’s husband raised his hand and said, “Your Honor, may I speak?”

The judge sighed. “Go ahead.”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”