Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.

The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out …” and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?” she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed “Good God all mighty.”

The minister said “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again when the minister got to …” and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?”

The wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted “Jesus Christ.”

The Minister said “That’s right, that’s Right” and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to …” and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?”

The wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said, “If you stick that damn thing in me again I’ll break it off.”

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.”

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab…
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.

A blonde’s car gets a flat tyre on the Interstate one day.

So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers…

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?”

“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly.

“Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer…

“Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.

Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage.

One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!” The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?”

The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.”

The men laugh.

The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!”

The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?” The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy.”

The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst.”

The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?”

The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool…”

A small town man decides to go to the city. He’s a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there’s nothing for it and heads in.

Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are.

“Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn’t make any bread, John makes it for him.” The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks “is it as good as yours?” With a small grin he replies “No, mine is better!” And off he went to get the bread.

Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. “Why this is Ted’s Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn’t make any beer, Ted makes it for him.” The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks “is it as good as yours?” With a bigger grin he replies “no, mine is better!” and off he went to get some beer.

At their final stop, the butcher’s shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. “So then Dad…” his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly. “Yes that’s right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn’t made any sausages….” he trails off. “… Tom makes them for you?” She asks hesitantly. “Yes that’s right! You are a smart one!” He exclaimed. “And yours are better!!” She shouts. Beaming with pride he says “Exactly!” And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom.

On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. “Hey Dad!” Exclaimed the little one. “It’s Pete the Postman!” “Yes that’s right” said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued “but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can’t do what Pete does.” “Oh yes!” she replied, “Mum says so too!”