02/03/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15656
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously wanking.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
02/02/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15653
“Helen,” he said, “We’ve been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side.”
His wife solemnly replied, “I remember, dear.”
“Helen,” he continued, “when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn’t think I could go on, but you were by my side.”
His wife began to softly cry, “I know, dear.”
“And now,” the man went on, “I’m about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?”
His wife sobbed, “Right here by your side, dear.”
“Helen,” the man said, “I’m beginning to think you might be bad luck.”
02/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15649
He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, “Can you please help me, I don’t know what Hole I’m on.”
She told him “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7; you’re on 6.”
He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later, he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.
“I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost; can you please tell me what hole I’m on.
“She told him, “You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14; you are on 13.”
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse.
He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.
She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
“I’m in sales,” she said.
He replied, “No kidding; so am I.”
“What do you sell?”
She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, “I sell sanitary napkins.”
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, “You promised you wouldn’t laugh”.
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper….. I’m still one Hole behind you.”
01/31/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15646
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: If I died would you date another man.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?
Wife: Definitely not!
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?
Wife: No it’s because he is left handed…
01/30/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15643
God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.
Poof! All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America.
He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.
Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so many people just ignored me standing there.
Man: don’t worry about it! That’s just what good people do.After a few minutes driving the man leans over,
Man: Hey, I have this sandwich here, ya want some?
Jesus: wow, thank you sir, that’s so kind of you! I’d love some. A few more minutes pass and the man leans over again.
Man: Hey I have a few beers in the cooler back there, want one? Amazed by the man’s kindness.
Jesus: wow sure! I’d love one. Thank you again. After a few more miles down the road the man looks around suspiciously and says…
Man: hey…I uh, have a little joint here. Want to take a few puffs with me? Jesus pauses for a second.
Jesus: ya know what, why not! So the man and Jesus drive down the road smoking the fattest joint listening to music and having a good time. Finally, Jesus speaks up.
Jesus: okay listen! I can’t keep quiet any longer! You have been so kind, so nice, I want to tell you…I’m Jesus! God sent me down here to help the people and you’ve just been so kind. What can I do to repay you? Anything!
The man looks at Jesus with a grin on his face and says, “Good sh!t, huh?”