Daily Joke: Jokes Library

I’ve lived a few years in my home, and the pretty neighbour next door and I always flirted with each other, despite her being married.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said: “I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg…” At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.

“Don’t sweat it, neighbor! I’m on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task.”

The husband accepted the offer gladly.

I don’t want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me. But, bad luck… We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.

The neighbor, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, with my brush on the wall, painting. Screaming, he shouts at me:

“What the heck is this? You started painting in my bedroom, and NAKED?”

“Hey buddy, I’m working for free, so I start wherever I want!”

“But naked?” “You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?”

“And with a boner, you bastard?”

“And just where am I going to hang the darn bucket!?!”

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.

I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;

And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”

I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;

And there, once again, got quite a surprise.

The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.

He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”

Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;

But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.

The newspaper print gets smaller each day,

And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),

and my glasses identify people I meet.

Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.

You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.

You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.

Washing my hair has turned it all white,

But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.

My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”

My car has no scratches… not even a dent.

Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”

My friends all get older… much faster than me.

They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.

I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,

But don’t call me old… just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they’re building today

Are so high that they take… your breath all away;

And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.

That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,

And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.

I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,

I’m not really old… I’m only mature!

Kevin gets a New Secretary.

A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions.

Emma (Kevin’s wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?”

Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice.”

Emma: “What color are her eyes?”

Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check.”

Emma: “What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?”

Kevin: “Not a clue in the world.”

Emma: “Does she have a local accent?”

Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”

Emma: “How does she dress?”

Kevin: “Very quickly.”

Kevin’s funeral will be held on Tuesday.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh, no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “and if the damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today.”

Dad: “I want you to marry a girl of my choice.”

Son: “No.”

Dad: “The girl is Bill Gate’s daughter.”

Son: “Then Ok!” **

** Dad goes to Bill Gates. **

Dad: “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates: “No.”

Dad: “My son is the CEO of the World Bank.”

Bill Gates: “Then ok!”

**Dad goes to the President of the World Bank. **

Dad: “Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.”

President: “No!”

Dad: “He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.”

President: “Then OK.”