Daily Joke: Jokes Library

“Don’t be afraid of the dog,” said the lady to Little Johnny, who was delivering her groceries.

“You know the old proverb, ‘A barking dog never bites?'”

“Yes,” replied Little Johnny. “You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?”

Jones took his nymphomaniac wife to the doctor for treatment. “This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor, ” he said. “Maybe you can do something for her?

She goes for any man and I get very jealous.”

“We’ll see,” the doctor said.

He directed Mrs. Jones into his examining room, closed the door behind him and told her to undress.

Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to moan and squirm.

It was too much for him to resist, and he climbed up on top of her and began to screw her.

Jones suddenly heard moans and groans coming from the room. Unable to control himself, he pushed open the door, to be confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife banging away.

“Doctor, what are you doing?” he asked.

The flustered doctor said, “Oh, it’s you, Jones?

I’m only taking your wife’s temperature!”

Jones opened his switchblade knife and began to hone it on his sleeve very deliberately.

“Ok Doc,…..” he said, “but when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!!!!”

A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring.

The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, “Hello? No honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes, love
you, bye.”

The bartender says, “What the heck is that?”

The customer replies “It’s my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it.”

With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender’s ear.

The bartender’s wife answers and he (who is very amazed) says, “I…honey… just thought I’d call you and tell you I love you….ok…bye.”

The bartender says, “That’s amazing! How do you get one?”

“I’ll tell you when I get back from the restroom.”

30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is ok.

When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.

“What the hell are you doing?” asks the incredulous bartender.

“Give me a second,” the man replies as he grunts and groans, “I’m getting a fax.”

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date to arrive in style, so he looks to rent a limousine for the night. He goes to the limousine centre, and finds a line of people waiting to rent out a limo, but he patiently waits in line, and manages to hire a limo for prom night.

The morning of the prom he decides to buy his date a bunch of flowers. When he arrives at the florist, he sees a long line of people waiting for their bouquets. He’s annoyed, but he waits patiently, and manages to buy a big bouquet.

During the prom, everything is going well, the boy is dancing with his date, and having a good time. His date whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch. The boy looks over at the table and there was no punchline.

HERS:
Pulls off at wrong exit.

Opens window.

Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:
Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.

Pulls up to a 7 -11.

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer.

Curses the night.

Curses you.

Curses the large slurpee.

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again.

Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn’t find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary.

Couldn’t spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all.

But she is laughing inside…

And of course you’re still lost.