Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.

Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.

Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.

So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette…

..are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks ‘I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.’

The blonde thinks ‘I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.’

The Frenchman thinks ‘I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.’

The Englishman thinks ‘I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.’

I think, I’m going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer…

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”

Me: “I assure you, I did not drink anything.”

Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”

Me: “A car.”

Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”

Me:”I have no idea!”

Officer:”So, you’re drunk.”

Me:”But I didn’t drink anything.”

Officer:”Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:”A motorcycle.”

Officer:”Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”

Me:”I have no idea!”

Officer:”As I suspected, you’re drunk!”

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:”So…, counter question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”

Officer:”A prostitute of course.”

Me:”Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend…

Two men were golfing, and the fairway of the hole they were playing was adjacent to a road.

The first man was setting up for his swing, when a funeral procession went by on the road.

He stopped, faced the procession for a moment, then bowed his head in prayer as the hearse passed by.

Only when the procession had passed out of view did he resume playing, driving his ball to the green.

As they were walking toward the green, the second man said, “That was a touching show of respect for the the deceased back there. I had no idea you were so sentimental.”

The first man shrugged and said, “It’s the least I could do. I was married to her for thirty years.”

A government social worker was visiting the an reservation for the first time.

A woman was yelling at an old Indian man.

The man looked like he could use some help.

The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.

“Hey, that lady sure hates you.”

“She no lady. She my wife.”

“You don’t say. What’s her name?”

“Wife name ‘Three Horse’.”

The social worker smiled. “Now that’s a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?”

“Nag nag nag.”