Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”  “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be…

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

A man with severe headaches went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testicles.”

The man was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He thought for a while, but decided he had no choice but to go through with it. Afterwards, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he still felt sad that he was missing a part of himself. As he walked down the street he saw a men’s clothing store and thought he needed a new suit. An elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said: “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long”.

The man replied: “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” the salesman said. The man tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. The tailor asked: “How about a new shirt?” The man nodded his head.“ Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve,” the salesman said. The man was surprised again that the shirt fit perfectly as well. The salesman then asked: “How about new underwear?” The man nodded again. The salesman stepped back, eyed the man’s waist and said: “Let’s see, size 36.”The man laughed and replied: “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18-years-old.”The tailor shook his head and answered: “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act.

He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK.

The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you!  The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity.  Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable.  The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”

David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.

The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

“I don’t have a clue!!!” the Rabbi said.

“First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.”

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows!!” said the Rabbi.

“He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”

An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her skinny legs all the way up.

The dentist was shocked and with his eyes wide open he screamed: “MADAM, PLEASE PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP. I’m not a gynecologist!”

“I know,” said the old lady. “I just want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”