Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

One night, Little johnny wakes up and decides he needs to take a p!ss.
So he gets out of bed and on his way to the toilet he stops by his mom and dad’s room and catches them having s*x, he then says “Dad what are you doing with mom?”
His dad replies “I’m playing poker, your mum my partner now get lost!”

Then he stops by his sister’s room and this time catches her and her boyfriend having s*x and says “What are you doing?”
to which she replies: “I’m playing poker, my boyfriends my partner – now go to bed you little freak!”

About an hour later little johnny’s Dad walks into his bedroom and says: “Johnny what are you doing”
Johnny replies I’m playing poker, why?

“Who’s your partner then?” his dad asks.
To which Johnny says: “Who needs a partner when you’ve got a good hand.”

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position.

When asked why she left her last employment, she replied,

“Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.”

Another man said, “I’ve got strength but no length.”

Another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick.”

I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, “You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise.”

Another lady was talking about her protecting her honour, and two other ladies said, Now it’s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving.

I hope to die if I didn’t hear someone say,“Well, I guess we’ll go home now, that was the last rubber.”

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What does two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replies “Four.”

The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What does two plus two equal?”

The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What does two plus two equal?”

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prost!tutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies,

“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.