Daily Joke: Jokes Library

After their barn burned down,

Bob’s wife Sally called their insurance agent to file a claim and demand the amount the barn was insured for, $60,000.

“Hold on just a second there, that’s not the way it works. First, we’ll send out an adjuster to assess the damage, then we’ll provide you with a replacement barn, just like the original,” stated the agent.

After a lengthy pause,

Sally replied,

“What! Well, if that’s the way it works, cancel the life insurance on my husband immediately.”

A man decided to take his wife deer hunting for the first time:

After he explained the basics to his blonde wife, he told her the most important piece of information.
“Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator.” He said.

They departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer.

Minutes later he heard his blonde wife’s gun go off.

The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone.

When he got to his blonde wife she was arguing with another man who was waving his hands in the air.

The man said.

“OK, fine lady you can have your deer but do you mind if I get my saddle off before you take it away?”

A Bear, a Lion and a Chicken meet… What Follows Next Will Make You Go ROFL

Bear says:

“If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”

Lion says:

“If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me”

Chicken says:

“Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet sh!ts itself.

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

“Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny, of course, though he did.

Johnny’s mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behaviour over the last year.

“Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.”

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. Letter 1:

Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew that this wasn’t true. He had not been a
very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2: Dear God, this is your friend Johnny. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew that this wasn’t true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Johnny. Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4: God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Johnny. Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Johnny was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.

Johnny’s mother thought her plan had worked, as Johnny looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner”, Johnny’s mother told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner.

Little Johnny went into the church and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of Mary.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Johnny began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5: God, I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!

An elderly man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test:

“Here is your first question.” The foreman says.

“Without using numbers, represent the number nine?”

“Without numbers?”

The old man says. “That’s easy.”

And he proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” The boss asks.

“Have you no brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.” Says the old man.

“Fair enough.” Says the boss.

“Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99?”

The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree and hands it back.

The boss scratches his head and says.

“How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of the trees is dirty now. So, it’s a dirty tree plus a dirty tree plus a dirty tree. That makes 99.”

“All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100?”

The old man stares into space again; he then picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and hands it back.

The boss looks at the man’s picture.

“You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred?”

The old man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers.

“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”