04/02/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15856
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?” “No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said. “Will you use it to gamble?”
“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.” “Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?” “Are you NUTS!? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.” The man replied: “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man who’s given up drinking, gambling and golf looks like.”
04/01/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15853
An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.
His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) .
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,Paul.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
03/31/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15851
A farmer’s wife comes out into the field as he’s plowing and begins to nag at him.
Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.
After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, “I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see you smiling and nodding your head up in down in affirmation. But, whenever a man would speak with you, you’d frown and shake your head ‘no’. Why was there such a difference in your reaction?”
“Well, Father”, the man replied, “All the women kept remarking about what a wonderful woman my wife was, or how beautiful she looked, and all I could do was agree.”
“But what about the men?”, asked the priest.
“Well”, the man answered, “They kept asking me if I’d be willing to sell them that mule.”
03/30/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15848
A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.
The cowboy asks the rancher,
“Mind if I talk to your dog over there?”
“Damn fool, don’t you know dogs can’t talk?”
The cowboy replies, “So what’s the harm?”
The rancher shrugs, “Go right ahead.”
The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, “Howdy!”
The dog replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s eyes pop wide open.
The cowboy continues, “Does your master here treat you alright?”
“Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake.”
The cowboy asks the shocked rancher,
“Mind if I talk to your horse over there?”
The rancher replies,
“Now, I don’t know what you’re up to, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.”
“Well then, what’s the harm?”
“Go right ahead,” says the rancher.
The cowboy says to the horse, “Hello.”
The horse replies, “Hello.”
The rancher’s jaw drops.
The cowboy asks, “Your owner here treat you OK?”
“Sure,” replies the horse, tossing his mane.
“He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me well, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather.”
The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher,
“Are those your sheep over there?”
The rancher looks alarmed and stammers,
“Listen to them sheep out there, they’re – they’re nothing but a bunch of liars!”
03/29/2022 from Daily Jokes
#15846
A farmer is out at the edge of his field, lounging in the morning sun next to his donkey when a man on a bike rides up and asks
“excuse me, do you have the correct time? My watch is wrong”.
The farmer reaches over to his donkey, lifts its test!cles for a moment then says
“It’s 25 past 9.”
The rider is taken aback, “are you sure?” He asked.
The farmer simply nods curtly, giving another cursory glance to the donkey’s pendulous balls.
The rider adjusts his watch, hesitantly thanks the farmer and carries on.
Later on, the farmer is having his lunch in the same spot and the same cyclist rides up from the other side.
“Hello again, can I trouble you for the time once more?”.
Once again the farmer leans over and lifts the donkey’s plums and says
“it’s 10 past 12”.
The man confirms it with his watch to the minute.
“That’s amazing,” he says,
“how can you get such accurate time from checking a donkey’s privates?”.
The farmer beckons the rider closer, and lifts the mule’s sack once more and points at the now visible clock tower just over the hill…