Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.

He spoke to his toes.

“Hello, toes.”, he said.

“How are you? You know, you are92 today. Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember how we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees.”, he continued.

“How are you? You know you’re 92 today.

Oh, the times we’ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade?

Oh, the hurdles we’ve jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees.”

Then, he looked down at his cr0tch.

“Hello, W!llie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you’d be 92!!.

Little Johnny Talks About the Birds and the Bees

Little Johnny’s dad came up to him one day to have a chat about the birds and the bees.

“Please stop, dad! I really don’t want to know!” yelled Little Johnny.

Confused by this sudden outburst, his dad asked him what was wrong.

“Oh dad,” Johnny sobbed.

“At age six you told me the Easter Bunny didn’t exist. At seven, you told me the truth about the tooth fairy, and at eight you stripped away my belief in Santa Claus. If you now tell me that grown-ups don’t really have s*x, then I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife

“Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your b**t!”

His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

‘ What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom,

‘ why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker…

‘it’s not talcum powder……it’s ‘Miracle Grow’

In a convent in Kenya , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it:

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips.
The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader…..

“Mother.” The nuns asked earnestly.
“Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
“DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

An elderly woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round,

she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The elderly woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They’re totally amazed.

They can’t figure her out.

She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her,

“How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The old lady blushes and grins.

“When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”

“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his w!llie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says,

“What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”