Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,

“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.

“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.

” Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.

“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.

“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

The 80-year-old man sat down in the orthopaedic surgeon’s office.

“You know, Doc,” he said,

“I’ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.”

“And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions?” the doctor asked.

“Hell, no!” the old fellow replied.

“I want to borrow your Lamborghini!”

A farmer was heading home from the market with his horse and cart.

Suddenly, he saw a snail crossing the road:

The farmer was a kind man, so he stopped his horse and waited patiently as the snail got out of the way.

When the snail was safe in the grass, the farmer was about to continue down the road when suddenly, a fairy appeared by the roadside.

“Since you’ve always been kind to animals, big and small, I shall grant you three wishes.” The fairy said.

“Well, in that case.” The farmer said.

“I want a chest full of gold. And I want a new cart for my horse. And…”

The man went silent and thought about it for a moment and then said.

“Well, to be honest, I’m not very well endowed. I want the genitalia my horse has!”

The fairy waved her wand, and everything that the man had wished for came true.

When he got back to the farm, the farmer’s wife was surprised to see him sitting on a brand new cart.

She was even more surprised when he showed her a chest full of gold.

But when the farmer stood up and pulled down his pants, she immediately fainted.

The farmer bent down to inspect his new equipment which was apparently so impressive that it had made his wife faint.

He exclaimed. “Damnit, I forgot I brought the mare today!”

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says,

“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I’m stumped.”

His buddy says,

“I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!”

The first fellow does just that.

The next day, his buddy asks,

“Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?”

“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours!’”

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife,

“Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”

His wife looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said,

“Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.”

“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard!

You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed.

“Oh sh!t, it’s started.”