Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time.

The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with,

“Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you’ll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I’ll show you around.”

The nurse pushes the old man in the wheelchair along with the daughter following close by.

“Over here we have the dining hall. We serve lunch and dinner every day, and we offer a varied and changing menu so you’ll always have something new to choose from!”

The old man says nothing, but slowly but steadily begins to fall to his left.

The nurse, noticing immediately, grabs a pillow and wedges it on his left side to keep him from falling.

The nurse then proceeds with the tour.

“Over here we have the recreation room. We have a ping pong table, tv, and dart board, but if you prefer checkers or board games, we have those available as well!”

Again, the old man says nothing, but just stares forward, and slowly but steadily begins falling to his right.

The quick-thinking nurse once again wedges a pillow on his right to keep him from falling. The nurse then proceeds with the tour.

“And finally, this will be your room should you choose to stay with us. You won’t have to share it with anyone else. We offer a king-sized single bed with an in-room mounted tv so you can also watch television in your own room if

you wish. We have handicap-accessible bathrooms in this small room adjacent, and for any and all your needs, we have a button you can press and we’ll come to your every service right away!”

The old man, still with a blank stare, begins to slowly but steadily fall forward, and the nurse catches him and props him back and places a pillow on his legs to prevent him from falling forward.

The nurse escorts them back to the entrance, and says,

“Please let me know if the Johnson family retirement home would be the right place for you. I’ll leave you to discuss privately.”

The nurse then returns to her desk. The daughter looks at her father and asks,

“So? What do you think of the place?”

The old man says,

“I love the dining room, the recreation room, and the living quarters, but there’s one thing that bothers me.”

The daughter leans in, “What’s that?”

The old man replies,

“Why won’t they won’t let me fart in this place?”

An old fisherman makes camp up in the north country near a blue-green lake, and in the morning he starts to make breakfast.

As he’s cooking, a little family of moles living in a mole-hill nearby begin to smell what the old fisherman’s cooking.

The mother mole says

“Hey! Old Fisherman’s cooking, and it smells like bacon!”

The father mole sniffs the air and says

“No no I smell pancakes, butter and maple syrup!”

The teenager mole says

“You’re both wrong! He’s making eggs!”

And the littlest mole says

“I don’t know what you’re all talking about, all I smell is mole-a$$e$”.

A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice.

On the last evening of the country mouse’s visit, they were dining in the kitchen when it came to the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen.

“Don’t panic,” said the town mouse,

“Leave this to me.”

Marching up to the cat she said, “Bow wow wow wow!”

The cat turned and ran from the room.

“How did you do that?” asked the country mouse.

“As I told you,” said the town mouse, “it pays to learn a second language.”

A wife was in bed with her lover,

When she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said.

“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife:

“Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.

Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted.

One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

“Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds,

“No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather,

“Will you please make a sound like a frog?”

Grandpa again says,

“No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”

Then the third little boy comes out and says,

“Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”

“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face,

“Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”