Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: ‘Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference’.

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says “You know, I think my girl was dead’. ”

Dead? says his friend, “Why do you say that?’

‘Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her’.

His friend says. ‘Could be worse I think mine was a witch’.

‘A witch??….why the hell would you say that?’ ‘

Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window… took my teeth with her!’

Three women, trapped on a deserted island, decided to race each other, swimming around the island.

The brunette comes in first, taking only 30mins to swim around the island. The redhead comes in second with 45mins. Once they caught their breath, they became increasingly concerned if something happened to the blonde as she was nowhere to be seen.

Finally after 6hours, the blonde finally completes her round, completely exhausted. “I don’t want to be a sore loser, but the both of you cheated on the race. We were supposed to be swimming breast stroke, but I saw the both of you using your arms!”

A boy decides to learn the language of all animals.

– Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. Please, give me money to go there and study.

Fathers agree and give him money

After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills

-Son, did you learn the language?

-Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 litres of milk.

-That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a litre.

Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 litres of milk

Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence

-Do you hear that hen? She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now

-That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before.

Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid

Dad is confused but starts to believe his son

The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.

Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son:

– Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.

There once was a little old lady who wanted a parrot all her life.

Finally, one day she spots a good deal on a parrot for sale in the newspaper.

She makes the call and arranges to pick it up the next day.

In the meantime, out she goes to the pet store and buys the very best cage for him that money can buy.

The next day the little old lady brings her parrot home and puts him in the cage.

She watches him excitedly as he looks around his new surroundings and asks,

“Do you like it? Do you like it?

The parrot drolly says, “nice f…n’ cage”.

Well!!! The little old lady’s hair stood straight up! She opens the cage door, grabs the Parrot and shakes her finger at him.

“There will be no language like that in my house mister! The next time I hear language like that out of your mouth, there will be SERIOUS consequences!”

Upon which she promptly throws the parrot back into the cage and slams the door.

A few days later, the little old lady was thinking about the incident, and she felt terrible.

After all, they were still getting to know one another; maybe she came down too hard on the poor parrot.

To make it up to him she goes to the pet store to buy him a present.

There she found a beautiful perch – top of the line – the very best perch that money could buy.

She rushes home as fast as she can and puts the perch in the cage – looking expectantly at the parrot;

“Do you like it? Do you like it?”

“The parrot looks the perch over and says (dripping with sarcasm) “nice f…n’ perch”.

WELL!!!!! The little old lady opens the cage, grabs the parrot and marches into the kitchen.

“I told you the next time I heard language like that out of your mouth there would be serious consequences”.

She promptly opened the freezer door and threw the parrot in, slamming it shut behind him.

An hour or so goes by and she thinks he’s probably learned his lesson.

Opening the freezer door, the parrot comes toddling out and says,

“One question; what the f##$ did the chicken do?”

On the first day of school, a first-grade teacher goes around the room, asking the six-year-olds what their parents do for a living.

Little Billy says, “My Dad is an engineer, and my Mom is a secretary.”

Then little Susie says, “My Dad is an accountant, and my Mom is a waitress.”

Then little Johnny says, “My Dad plays the piano in a whorehouse, and my Mom stays home to take care of me and my sister.”

The teacher gives Johnny a note to take home, asking his father to come see her.

The next day, Johnny’s father shows up at the school, and the teacher says, “Johnny told me what you do for a living. That you play the piano at a whorehouse!”

“Oh that!” the man says, and makes a face. “Actually I’m a lawyer, but how can you tell a little kid a thing like that?”