Daily Joke: Jokes Library

For her husband’s birthday, the wife decides to accompany him to a strip club.

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” the doorman greets them as they enter the club.

His wife is perplexed and inquires if he has ever visited this club.

“Oh no,” Dave exclaims.

“He’s a member of my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he wants his normal drink and offers him a Budweiser.

“How could she know you drink Budweiser?” his wife asks, getting increasingly uncomfortable.

“Honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League, and we’re on the same lanes as them.”

“Hi Davey. Want your customary table dance, big boy?” says a stripper as she walks over to their table and wraps her arms around Dave.

Furious, Dave’s wife grabs her handbag and walks out of the club.

Dave is following her and notices her getting into a taxi.

He rushes in beside her before she can slam the door.

He tries desperately to explain why the stripper mistook him for someone else, but his wife isn’t buying it.

She’s yelling at him and calling him every name in the book.

“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave,” the cabbie remarks, turning his head.

An elderly man named Mr Lambert was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed.

So he went and opened the door to turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked,

“Is someone in your house?” and Mr Lambert said,

“No,” and explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were very busy, that there was no one available and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

Mr Lambert said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore because I’ve just shot them all. Goodnight”.

Then he hung up. Within 60 seconds three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to Mr Lambert,

“I thought you said that you’d shot them?!”

Mr Lambert said,

“I thought you said there was nobody available?!”

“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”

“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to ask her.”

“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home. “Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny. “Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”

It’s a regular day at the hospital when a Blonde woman comes into the burn ward with both of her ears burnt.

The doctor in charge had never seen an injury quite like it. “How did you get both sides burnt like that?” He asked her.

She says, “well… when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone.”

“Well that explains one ear,” said the doctor, his eyebrows raised as high as they can get, “but what about the other ear??” “Well, I had to call an ambulance, didn’t I?”

Morris a ninety-year-old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.

He stopped in his favourite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.

After careful examination, the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in s*x recently.

The old man said, “Sure did!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

“Yes,…but why?”

“Well you’d better get over there… you’re about to cum.”