09/19/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16421
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them,
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them.
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
Little Johnny shouted out,
“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.” Miss.
09/18/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16418
A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.
A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
The doctor asked,
“Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”
“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barb-qued ribs?”
Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.
“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.
Then the doctor asked,
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”
“No,” Edgar said,
“I don’t do any of those things.”
The good doctor looked at Edgar and said,
“Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”
09/17/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16412
Bubba and his family from South Carolina had recently moved in next door to Little Johnny.
Bubba was flying his toy aeroplane when it went over the fence into Little Johnny’s backyard.
Bubba went into the backyard to retrieve his plane.
“What do you think you’re doing?”, said Little Johnny.
“I’m getting my airplane,” replied Bubba with a thick Southern drawl.
“It’s in my backyard, so it’s my plane now.”
“Well, we’re going to have to settle this country style,” replied Bubba.
“You’re not in the country anymore, so we’re going to settle this city style.
“What’s city-style?”
“Well, we both stand in front of each other and kick each other as hard as we can in the balls. The one left standing, gets to keep the airplane. Being that the plane is in my yard, I get to go first.”
“Well, alright,” said Bubba.
Little Johnny rears back and kicks Bubba right square in the balls.
Bubba falls to the ground screaming in pain and crying profusely.
After about 20 minutes, Bubba stands up and announces that it’s his turn.
“That’s ok, Bubba, you can keep your airplane!!”
09/16/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16408
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his p3n!s.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird,
“Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said,
“Yes, the milkman came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said,
“I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
09/15/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16403
A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet.
One night they went out for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet.
Later that night a thief broke into their house.
The thief was in the process of stealing the couple’s valuables when he heard the couple’s car arriving home.
The thief then immediately hid in the closet.
The owners came into the house and went straight to bed.
But in the middle of the night, they were awoken by a scream.
The husband opened the closet to see the thief squirming on the floor.
The husband immediately bound the thief tightly with some rope and asked what made him holler so loud……
The thief replied in pain,
“When your F*cking squirrel took my a$s for a hollow in a tree -I held out then it took my b@lls for nuts I gritted my teeth, but when it decided to carry the nuts into the hollow I cracked up.”