Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Grandpa Joe was being taken by his grandchildren to his new nursing home.

They took him in on his wheelchair.

A young nurse met them.

“Welcome to our nursing home Let me show you around”

She said in a friendly tone as she took the wheelchair.

She wheeled him into a large room full of sofas, with a big TV screen.

“This is the lounge. You can relax and-“

Grandpa Joe suddenly slumped to one side.

The dutiful nurse quickly caught hold of him and gently sat him up.

Then she wheeled him to a room with tables and chairs, where some elderly residents were enjoying lunch.

“This is the dining room. The food is really -“

Again, Grandpa Joe suddenly slumped to one side. Unfazed, the nurse caught hold of him and sat him up.

Finally, she wheeled him over to a small room with a comfortable-looking bed.

“This is where you’ll be sleeping. There is an en-suite bath-“

Again, Grandpa Joe suddenly slumped over to one side.

The nurse patiently caught hold of him and once again sat him up.

After the tour, the grandchildren rushed over to Joe.

“What do you think? Isn’t it lovely? That nurse seems sweet?”

Grandpa Joe looked grumpy.

“Well the place seems alright and the staff are nice. But why the hell won’t they let me fart in peace?”

A third-grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the pupils answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher’s pet. He stood and said,

“My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can.”

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating,

“My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby…if I can, and I think I can.”

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room.

He stood up and said,

“My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a damm about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think can”

The wife served breakfast to the Husband.

Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:

” Take this *Paracetamol* after breakfast.”

Husband: ” Why? I don’t have a fever.”

Wife : “OK, then take this *Digene* “

Husband : “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”

Wife : ” Ok, take at least *Pudeen Hara* You will have an immediate relief.”

Husband : “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”

Wife : Oh, but you must take at least *Combiflame* Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”

Husband : ” Are you crazy ? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden ? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”

Wife : ” Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also. “

An old man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.

By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says,

‘Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!’

The old man gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.

The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the old man’s table and says,

‘Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!’

The old man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s r*ctum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,
‘Go ahead!’

A man had a habit of taking off for the local tavern every time after supper where he used to spend the whole evening and would arrive back home very drunk at around midnight.

After arriving he always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole to open the door.

As a result, his wife would wait up for him so she could open up the door for him when he gets home.

After opening the door for him, she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behaviour and how distraught it made her feel.

After a moment of listening her friend she then said,

“Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner.

And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door and quickly went to open it for him and let Harry in.

As advised by her friend, this time instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room.

She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to him,

“It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Upon hearing that, the guy replied in his inebriated state,

“Yes, why not dear? You’re a lifesaver. If I go home now, I’ll get into a hell of trouble with my stupid wife waiting for me there!”