Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going. First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re

the minister, so get dressed.”

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked,

“Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?”

Grandpa looks at him and says

“No Johnny, I will not.”

“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies.

“Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”

The first says

“Watch this.”

Leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood.

He points at a villager and says:

“You see that villager? Sucked him dry.”

The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks.

She points and says

“You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors.”

The third shrugs and says:

“That’s nothing, watch this.”

He’s barely gone a fraction of a second before he’s back with a face completely covered in blood.

The first vampire asks:

“What did you do?”

The third vampire replied:

“You see that pole?”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t”

A rat swallowed a diamond and the owner of the diamond contracted a man to kill the rat.

When the rat hunter arrived to kill the rat there were more than a thousand rats bunched up altogether and one sitting by itself away from the pack.

He spotted and killed the one sitting by itself and to the owner’s surprise, that was the exact one that had swallowed the diamond !!!

The amazed diamond owner asked,

“How did you know it was that rat?”

He responded:

“Very easy……. When idiots get rich, they don’t mix with others!!!”

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.

One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said,

“You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.

A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married.

Later my father married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.

Also, my wife became the mother-in-law of her father-in-law.

“Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.”

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife. I’m my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather!

“And you think you have family problems!”