09/24/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16438
A man just came back from a journey that lasted one week.
He sat down, looking tired, & unhappy.
His 3-year-old daughter came to him and goes:
Daddy, Mummy has just gone out.”
Daddy: “Where has she gone to?
Baby: “To do her hair”.
Daddy: “OK”.
Baby: “Daddy, are you annoyed.”
Daddy: “Not at all. Why do you ask?
Baby: Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, if you smile to me now I will tell you who sleeps with Mummy on her bed each time you travel.”
The man became very anxious, breathing heavily and his heart was just pounding, believing that the cat was going to be let out of the bag.
He quickly oozed out a very broad smile, hugged the small girl pulled her closer to himself.
Daddy: “Oya tell me now, I’ve smiled. You want me to smile again.”
He kept on smiling.
Baby: Smiled, jumped up twice & said. Daddy, it’s me. And I have stopped urinating on Mommy’s bed…
09/23/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16435
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”
Did you help him?” she asks.
No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk…
09/22/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16432
Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked:
Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urine test!
09/21/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16429
The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.
The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.
But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible.
He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten.
No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So he prayed, ‘Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,’ and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members.
He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?’
She replied, ‘You won’t believe this,’ and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,
‘Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.’
She told the pastor, ‘I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes:
A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.’
Moral of the story:
Never underestimate the power of God and His unique sense of humour.
09/20/2022 from Daily Jokes
#16424
Chuck was a teenager, and still a virgin.
His dad didn’t want him to go to college without having slept with a woman,
So on Chuck’s 18th birthday, he sends Chuck to the local wh0rehouse.
Times were tough, so he only could give Chuck a dollar.
The prost!tutes took pity on Chuck.
He gave one his dollar and they went into a room.
Somehow, Chuck was the greatest lay the prost!tute had ever had.
Passionate, caring, and a sizable package.
When they were finished, she told Chuck to take a duck that she had so he could cook it for dinner.
On his way home, the duck escaped Chuck’s hands and flew into the road, where it was promptly hit by a passing truck.
The driver was apologetic and gave our hero $25 as compensation for losing a nice dinner.
When Chuck got back home, he had a giant smile on his face.
His father, kind of in shock, asks him how it went, as a dollar barely gets you a halfhearted handjob.
So he says, “How’d it go?”
Chuck replied,
“well, I got a f*ck for a buck, a duck for a f*ck, and 25 bucks for a f*cked up duck.”