Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is s*x after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

” Marion… Marion “

“Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have s*x. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

I have s*x again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s*x a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s*x the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it’s back to golf course again.

Then it’s more s*x until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”

“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”

“No — I’m a rabbit in Kent’.

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather,

“Are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied,

“Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal”.

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he

asks again,

“Are you sure these plates are clean”?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says,

“I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t ask me about it anymore!”

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.

As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass so he said,

“Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,

“Cold Water, Go lay down!”

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean.

All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him.

His boat is a way off and he starts swimming like crazy.

He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendour, the atheist screams,

“Oh, God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above.

The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say,

“You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies,

“Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies,

“As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says,

“Thank you, Lord, for this food for which I am about to receive…”

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that, they were married.

A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.

Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk He figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

It was, after all, his birthday.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra-large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.

She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.

She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.

He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud but ripe as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!!

It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.

To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

He got another urge.

This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,

“SURPRISE!!!”

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

A truck driver was going down a steep incline when, at the foot of the hill, he was able to make out a couple having s*x in the middle of the road.

Five times on his descent he sounded his horn, but they didn’t move.

He finally brought the truck’ to a halt inches from them.

The truck driver got out and stormed:

“What the hell’s the matter with you two?.

Didn’t you hear me? You could have been killed!”

The man replied nonchalantly:

“Listen, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”