Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand. He grabbed his chest and collapsed, dead right there at the table.

Out of respect for their fallen friend, the other five stood up and kept playing.

After a moment, Finkelstein looked around and said, “So… who’s going to tell his wife?”

They cut the deck. Goldberg drew the two of clubs and got stuck with the job. The others warned him to be tactful, gentle—don’t make a bad situation worse.

“Gentle?” Goldberg scoffed. “I’m the most discreet man you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg went to Meyerwitz’s apartment and knocked. His wife called through the door, asking what he wanted.

Goldberg said, “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is too afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” she shouted.

“Not a problem,” Goldberg replied. “I’ll pass along the message.”

A woman in a supermarket notices a grandfather struggling with his wildly misbehaving three-year-old grandson.

The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits anything he can grab—while Grandpa patiently navigates the aisles, speaking in a calm, steady voice:

“Easy, William. We’ll be done soon… easy, boy.”

Another meltdown follows. Grandpa gently says,

“It’s alright, William. Just a few more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there.”

By the checkout, the child is flinging items out of the trolley. Without losing his cool, Grandpa repeats,

“William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. Five more minutes and we’re home. Stay calm, William.”

Impressed, the woman approaches him outside as he loads the groceries and the child into the car.

“I hope you don’t mind me saying,” she says, “but you were incredible in there. You stayed calm the whole time. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

The old man smiles and replies,

“Thank you—but I’m William. The little terror’s name is Kevin.”

A man is standing in a convenience store when a dog walks in carrying a bag.

The dog goes straight up to the counter, buries his snout in the bag, pulls out a shopping list and some cash, and carefully places them on the counter.

The clerk, stunned, starts packing the groceries into the bag and leaves the change on the counter. The dog looks at the money, then slowly looks up at the clerk and lets out a low growl.

“Alright, alright,” the clerk mutters, adding the extra $10 he tried to short the dog.

The dog puts everything back into the bag and calmly walks out.

Curious, the man decides to follow.

Outside, he watches the dog stop at a traffic light, sit patiently, and wait for the “WALK” signal before crossing the street.

The dog heads into an apartment building, jumps up, and presses a buzzer with his paw. The door opens, and the man slips in behind him.

At the elevator, the dog presses the “up” button with his nose. Inside, he selects the 8th floor.

When they arrive, the dog goes to an apartment door and begins scratching.

An older man opens the door and immediately starts yelling at the dog, calling him stupid.

The amazed onlooker steps in.
“Excuse me! I think you’re being far too hard on your dog. I just watched him buy groceries, check his change, obey traffic signals, and make it all the way back here. And you’re calling him stupid?”

The old man sighs and replies,
“Yeah? Well this is the third time this week the dumbass forgot his keys.”

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl, about six years old.

She looked me up and down in my uniform and asked, “Are you a cop?”

“Yes,” I replied, continuing to write my report.

“My mom said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that true?”

“Yes, that’s right,” I assured her.

“Well then,” she said, holding out her foot, “would you please tie my shoe?”

A couple decide they need a guard dog.

So the man goes to a pet shop and tells an employee, “I’m looking for a dog to protect our apartment.”

The employee smiles and says, “I’ve got the perfect dog for you,” then brings out a Chihuahua.

The man frowns. “I need a dog that can guard our place and scare off burglars. A Chihuahua can’t do that.”

“Oh, this isn’t an ordinary Chihuahua,” the employee says. “This is an attack Chihuahua. Let me show you.”

She points at a chair and commands, “Attack Chihuahua, chair!”

To the man’s amazement, the Chihuahua absolutely demolishes the chair, leaving nothing but splinters.

“Wow,” the man says, “but I still think we need a real guard dog.”

“Are you sure?” the employee replies. “Watch this. Attack Chihuahua, table!”

Once again, the Chihuahua completely destroys the table.

“Alright, alright,” the man says. “I’ll take it.”

When he brings the dog home, his wife is furious.

“Why on earth did you buy a Chihuahua?” she shouts.

“Because this is no ordinary Chihuahua,” he says proudly. “This is an attack Chihuahua!”

She rolls her eyes and snaps, “Attack Chihuahua, my ass!”