Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three vampire brothers hold a competition.

The first brother who is the strongest.

“Watch this,” he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour.

Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

“What happened?!” his brothers exclaimed.

“You see that mansion over there?”

“Yeah?” “Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead.”

“Wow!” his brothers say. “As expected, for you are the strongest.”

The second brother to go is the oldest.

“Watch and learn, boys,” he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour.

Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood.

“What happened?!” His brothers exclaimed.

“You see that village over there?” “Yeah?”

They said. “Well, I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive.”

“Wow!” his brothers say in awe. “As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience.”

The third brother who is the fastest.

Not to be outdone, he says, “Watch this, and don’t blink or you might miss it.”

He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns.

His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt.

“What happened?!” his brothers exclaimed.

“You see that giant tree over there?”

“…Yeah?” “Well, I didn’t…”

A farmer goes to town with his dog to buy some supplies. While there, he ties his dog to a tree and goes into a bar for a drink.

The town cop eventually shows up and asks, “Is that your dog tied up outside?”

“Yes, why?” the farmer replies.

The policeman says, “I think it wants to get bred.”

To which the farmer responds, “No, no, I fed her this morning.”

The policeman clarifies, “You misunderstood. I think she’s in heat.”

The farmer says, “No, no, I tied her in the shade.”

Now exasperated, the officer leans in and whispers, “She wants to be fucked.”

The farmer shrugs and says, “Why didn’t you just say so? Go right ahead—I always wanted a police dog.”

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.

“Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods…

“I’ll tell you, I’d thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

An elderly couple in Downeast Maine are in bed one night when the old man wakes up and realizes his wife has passed away…

So he calls up his son and says, “Son, I need you to come down and give me a hand, your mother’s gone.”

The son comes over, and together they lift her up and carry her down the stairs.

Just as they reach the bottom, the son loses his grip and bumps her head on the newel post, and incredibly, she wakes up, calls them both idiots, and lets them hear about it for the next two years.

Then, one morning, the old man wakes up and finds his wife really has passed away. So he calls his son again.

His son comes over, they lift her up, and start down the stairs, and the old man says, “Hang on, son… be EXTRA careful this time.”

My anger issues were getting out of hand. The kids were loud, life was messy, and I was always yelling.

So my therapist suggested something strange: “Try calling them ‘Just $1.99’ and ‘Only $2.99.’ It might help you see things differently.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re joking, right?”

“Nope. Think of it as parenting on sale.”

The next morning, I tried it.

“Wake up, Just $1.99! Only $2.99! Breakfast is ready!”

They stared at me like I’d lost it. But then they laughed. And for once… so did I.

Turns out, those prices are hard to beat.