Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

John is appearing on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” with Regis Philbin.

Regis, “John, you’re up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

John, “Yes.”

Regis, “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A)robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon.”

John, “I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Mary.”

Mary answers the phone: “Hello?”

Regis, “Hello Mary, it’s Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend John here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be John’s…”

John, “Mary, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon.”

Mary, “Oh, John. That’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”

John: “Are you sure?”

Mary, “I’m sure.”

Regis, ” You heard Mary. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?”

John, “I want to play; I’ll go with C) cuckoo.”

Regis, “Is that your final answer?”

John, “Yes.”

Regis “Are you confident?”

John “Yes; I think Mary’s pretty smart.”

Regis, “You said C) cuckoo, and you’re right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!”

To celebrate, John flies Mary to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they’re celebrating, John looks at Mary and asks her, “Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

“That’s easy, everybody knows they live in clocks.”

A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they’re walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.

While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.

The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.

The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!

Paw looks at his son and says, “Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!”