Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Asking for a day off at work can seem simple at first.

So, you’re asking for a day off.
Let’s take a closer look at what that really means.

There are 365 days in a year.
However, there are 52 weeks, and you already get two days off each week.
As a result, that leaves 251 working days.

Each day, you spend about 16 hours away from work.
Because of this, you use up roughly 170 days a year.
Therefore, only 81 days remain.

In addition, you take 30 minutes each day for coffee breaks.
Over a year, that adds up to 23 days.
So now, just 68 days are left.

Furthermore, you take a one-hour lunch break every day.
As a result, another 46 days are gone.
This leaves only 22 days.

On top of that, you usually take two sick days per year.
Consequently, your available time drops to 20 days.

You also receive five public holidays each year.
Because of this, your working time is reduced to 15 days.

Finally, we generously give you 14 days of annual leave.
Therefore, only one working day remains for the entire year.

So, if you think you’re getting that day off…

You must be out of your mind.

As the interview wrapped up, the HR manager asked a freshly graduated MIT engineer, “What starting salary are you expecting?”

“About $125,000 a year,” the engineer replied, “depending on the benefits.”

The manager smiled. “How does five weeks’ vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement plan matching fifty percent of your salary, and a company car every two years—say, a red Corvette—sound?”

The engineer straightened up. “Wow… are you serious?”

The manager answered, “No—but you were the one who started it.”

A frog hops into a bank and slides up to the teller.

He glances at her nameplate: Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack,” he croaks, “I’d like to borrow $30,000 for a tropical getaway.”

Patty blinks. “And your name is…?”

“Kermit Jagger,” he says proudly. “My dad? Mick Jagger. And I’m tight with the bank manager — you can trust me.”

Patty sighs. “Loan rules are rules. You’ll need collateral.”

The frog nods. “No problem.” He pulls out a tiny, glossy pink porcelain elephant — about an inch tall, flawless craftsmanship.

Patty stares. “This… is your collateral?”

She takes it to the manager’s office, holding it up like a mystery artifact.

“There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there,” she says. “Claims he knows you. Wants $30K. Says this little pink elephant is his ‘security.’”

The manager looks at the elephant… then at Patty.

He smiles.

“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack.
Give the frog the loan — his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Two eighty-year-old pensioners decide to take a stroll down memory lane and revisit the place where they first met.

While sitting at a café, the old gentleman says, “Do you remember the first time we met here, over fifty years ago? We left this café, went around the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you the time of your life.”

“Oh yes, dear, I remember it very well,” the old lady replies with a mischievous smile.

“Well then, for old times’ sake, let’s go back there and do it again.”

They settle the bill and head off. A young man nearby, having overheard the conversation, can’t help but follow along out of curiosity.

Behind the gas works, the old lady lifts her dress and grabs the fence. The old man steps in, and what follows is ten minutes of the most energetic, unstoppable action the young man has ever witnessed. Movement everywhere, not a pause, not a breath spared. When it’s finally over, the couple collapse and lie still for a full hour.

The young man is absolutely speechless. He’s never seen anything like it in his life.

When the couple eventually get dressed, the young man gathers his courage and approaches the old man.

“Sir,” he says, “that was unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like that, especially at your age. What’s your secret? Could you do that fifty years ago?”

The old man grins and replies, “Not a chance, son. Fifty years ago, that fence wasn’t electrified.”

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous actress Scarlett Johansson washes ashore on a deserted island. Hours go by before one other survivor appears. A random man from the ship is the only other person to make it.

They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck. However, he definitely knew who she was.

At first, surviving is difficult. Food is scarce, and shelter is basic. Over time, though, the man learns how to fish, build shelter, and collect fresh water. Slowly, life improves.

Eventually, he builds a solid cabin. He even creates a working water system and a few clever comforts to make daily life easier. Because of this, the two grow close.

They take care of each other. As months pass, feelings develop. After all, there is no one else on the island.

One night, passion takes over, and they become a couple. From that point on, they live together with a surprisingly active love life.

Then something changes.

The man grows distant. He seems distracted. Clearly, something is bothering him.

“What’s wrong?” Scarlett asks.

“Nothing,” he replies, every time.

Finally, she insists. She tells him she truly cares and will do anything to make him happy again.

“Anything?” he asks.

“Yes. Anything.”

First, he asks her to change clothes. She puts on work jeans and a loose shirt that washed ashore. Then he asks her to flatten her chest, tuck her hair under a hat, and even draw on a beard and moustache with soot.

Confused but determined, she agrees.

Next, he hands her sunglasses.

“Now walk down the beach,” he says. “I’ll catch up.”

As she walks, she doubts herself. Maybe she’s done something wrong. Maybe it’s not her at all.

Suddenly, the man runs up, grabs her shoulder, spins her around, and says:

“Mate, you won’t believe who I’ve been sleeping with for the past six months.”