Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A duck waddles into a small convenience store one afternoon, strolls right up to the counter, and politely asks the clerk, “Excuse me, do you have any grapes?”

The clerk blinks, confused. “No… we don’t sell grapes here.”
The duck nods calmly and waddles out.

The next day, right around the same time, the duck comes back. He walks straight to the counter and asks again, “Do you have any grapes?”
Now the clerk is a little annoyed. “No, we still don’t have grapes.”
The duck shrugs and leaves without another word.

On the third day, the duck returns yet again. Same routine. Same question.
“Do you have any grapes?”

This time the clerk snaps. “That’s it! You’ve come in here three days in a row asking for grapes, and every single time I’ve told you we don’t sell grapes! We’re a convenience store, not a fruit market! If you come back in here again and ask me for grapes, I swear I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!”

The duck slowly nods, turns around, and waddles out.

The following day, the duck walks back into the store as if nothing ever happened. He approaches the counter and asks, “Do you have any nails?”

The clerk frowns. “No… we don’t sell nails either.”

The duck smiles and says, “Great. Got any grapes?”

After wrapping up a long day at the Great Britain Beer Festival in London, a group of brewery presidents decided to unwind together at a cozy pub nearby. The atmosphere was lively, the room still buzzing with conversations about hops, flavors, and friendly competition. They found a table, settled in, and one by one began placing their drink orders.

The president from Corona leaned back in his chair, flashed a confident smile at the bartender, and said, “Señor, I would like the world’s best beer — a Corona.” The bartender nodded knowingly, reached up to the shelf, carefully dusted off a chilled bottle, and slid it across the bar to him.

Next up was the Budweiser president. Straightening his tie with pride, he announced, “I’ll have the best beer in the world — the King of Beers. Bring me a Budweiser.” The bartender gave a respectful nod and quickly placed a bottle in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the Coors president chimed in. “I’d like the only beer made with pure Rocky Mountain spring water. Give me a Coors.” Moments later, his request was fulfilled and the table was now lined with famous brews.

Finally, the president of Guinness took his seat. He glanced at the bartender and calmly said, “I’ll have a Coke, please.”

The bartender paused for a moment, surprised, but shrugged and handed him the soda. The other brewery presidents stared at him in confusion.

“Wait,” they asked, “why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

The Guinness president took a sip of his Coke, smiled politely, and replied, “Well, I figured if you gentlemen aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”

Three boys were standing around in the schoolyard during recess, bragging about how impressive their fathers were and how much money they made.

The first boy puffed up his chest and said proudly, “My dad is a poet. He just scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, and people pay him fifty dollars for it.”

The second boy smirked and shook his head. “That’s nothing,” he replied. “My dad writes songs. He scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and people give him a hundred dollars.”

The third boy crossed his arms and grinned. “You guys don’t even come close. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon… and it takes eight people just to collect all the money afterward.”

A few days after Christmas, a mother was busy cleaning up and preparing food in the kitchen while her young son happily played in the living room with his brand-new electric train set. As she worked, she could clearly hear the train circling the track, whistles blowing, and her son narrating the action with great enthusiasm.

Suddenly, the train came to an abrupt stop. From the living room, the mother heard her son loudly announce, “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train, because we’re heading down the tracks!”

The mother froze in disbelief. She stormed into the living room, completely shocked by what she had just heard. In a stern voice, she said, “We do NOT use that kind of language in this house. That is completely unacceptable.” She then pointed toward his bedroom and added, “You are going to your room right now, and you will stay there for two full hours. When you come out, you may play with your train again, but you will use polite and respectful language. Do you understand?”

The boy quietly nodded and went to his room.

Exactly two hours later, the bedroom door opened and the boy returned to the living room. He sat down, turned on his train, and soon the familiar sound of wheels clicking on the track filled the house again. After a short while, the train stopped.

This time, the mother heard her son speak in a calm, professional tone: “Ladies and gentlemen, we have now arrived at our final destination. All passengers exiting the train, please be sure to take all of your personal belongings with you. We thank you for choosing our railway today and hope you enjoyed your journey. We look forward to serving you again in the future.”

The train started up briefly, then stopped again. The boy continued, “For those passengers who are just boarding, please place all carry-on items neatly under your seat. Smoking is not permitted on this train. Sit back, relax, and enjoy a safe and pleasant trip.”

The mother smiled to herself, feeling proud that her lesson had clearly worked.

Then the boy added, “And for any passengers who are angry about the TWO-HOUR delay, please direct all complaints to the bitch in the kitchen.”