Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential.
Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential!”

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?” She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?” Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, “Yes!” The man hands her his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. “Well” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?”

“No,” said the other priest.

“Well” said the first priest, “it’s when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time.”

“Oh,” said the second priest, “so, what happened?”

“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first priest.

“Yes?” said the second priest. “Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, “I now sentence you to death.”

There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”

The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”

So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question. The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”

So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way.

The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde. The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”