Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.

“You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”

So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.”

Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.

“Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.”

Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.

Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.

“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”

Sam returned in 12 hours.

“How did it go, Doc?” he asked.

“I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.

He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”

My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”

I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, “You know, I don’t mean this offensively, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”

“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor,” she insisted.

“OK Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”

“In the lake.”

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”

He responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”

The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”

The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”

Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”

To celebrate 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at St. Andrews. On the third tee, the husband you, “Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me.”

His wife was hurt but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you.” They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, “Darling, since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before we met.”

The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted,”You liar, you despicable cheat! How could you? I trusted you, and you have been playing off from the ladies’ tee all these years!”