Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

Son: Dad You Are My Hero.

Dad: Really!

Son: Yes.

Son: Can You Give Me An Autograph With Your Eyes Closed?

Dad: Well, Yes.

Son: Then Sign My Report Card With Your Eyes Closed.

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement.

“Yeah,” said Rob, “would you marry someone who didn’t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?”

“No way in hell” said the bartender.

“Well, said Rob, “neither would my fiancée.”

A man receives a call from his Credit Card Company, “Sir, we have detected an unusual pattern of spending on your card, and we are calling to see if everything is alright.”

“Yes,” replied the man. “My card was stolen over a month ago.”

“Why didn’t you report your card as stolen?” asked the card company representative.

The man replied, “Well, whoever stole my card is spending a lot less than my wife!”

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! – Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”