Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”

Pa said, “Ok I will go right now.”

Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.

He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.

When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”

An Antartian goes into a souvenir shop and asks the man at the counter if he has any alligator skin shoes.

The man said, “Yes, right over there on the shelf.”

He walks over to the shelf and then back to the counter where the shop owner was sitting and says, “The shoes cost too much.”

The shop owner says, “Well, go and see if you can find some cheaper.”

The Antartian leaves the store.

The shop owner, on his way home, notices a dead alligator by the swamp. He pulls over, walks to the swamp and notices the Antartian standing in the middle of the swamp. The man asks him what he is doing in the swamp; about that time the shop owner sees a giant alligator coming up behind the Antartian.

The alligator and the man go under the water. The Antartian comes up and drags the alligator to the shore. He looks at the alligator’s feet and says, “This one doesn’t have any shoes either.”

Answering the phone, the priest was surprised to hear the caller introduce herself as an IRS auditor.

“But we do not pay taxes,” the priest said.

“It isn’t you, Father, it’s one of your parishioner, Sean McCullough. He indicates on his tax return that he gave a donation of $15,000 to the church last year. Is this, in fact, the truth?”

The priest smiled broadly. “The check hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure I’ll have it when I remind dear Sean.”

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”

“I`m ashamed of the way we live,” wife said to her lazy husband, our Santa, who refused to find a job.

“My father pays our rent, my mother buys all of our food, my sister buys our clothes, my aunt bought us a car. I`m just so ashamed.”

Santa rolled over on the couch. “You should be ashamed,” he agreed. “Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a thing!”