Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender laughs and says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, “You have a drink called Steve?”

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?”

The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.

Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?”

The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?”

To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Honey, where are you going?” she says.

The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.

“Look,” the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box. Can you get me off?”

The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.”

And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.

There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement.

Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.

Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it. He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it.

Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it—“Blame me!”

A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2.

He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, “Go get two envelopes.”

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:”That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I know. But I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”