Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”

He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”

Two old-time political aides are walking through a shabby, overgrown cemetery, writing down names from the headstones.

One of the men works very fast, stopping only by upright stones where he can read the names clearly.

The other works deliberately, gone from one stone to the next, kneeling down and clearing away the grass and wiping away the grime in order to see the name clearly.

“Why are you spending so much time doing that?” the first man asked.

“I’ll tell you,” the second man said. “This is a free country with a Constitution and everything. Each one of the people has as much right as the next to cast his vote.”

A new neighbor called the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on the road.

The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: “Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: “Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck.”

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”