Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?

The operator says, Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, Okay, now what?

Son: Dad, I want to get married.

Father: First, tell me you’re sorry.

Son: For what?

Father: Say sorry.

Son: But for what ? What did I do?

Father: Just say sorry.

Son: But…what have i done wrong ?

Father: Say sorry!

Son: WHY?

Father: Say sorry!!

Son: Please, just tell me why?

Father: Say sorry!!!

Son: OK, Dad…i’m sorry!

Father: There ! You’re finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you’re ready to get married!

Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me condom please? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight.”

The Pharmacist gives him the condom but as soon as he does Joey tells him, “Give me another condom because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too.”

The Pharmacist gives him another condom and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.

“My girlfriend’s mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I’m around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move.”

During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in. Joey lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer.

“Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us…” Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you where this religious.”

Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied “I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!”

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning gray?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs gray!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.”

There are three men in the military practicing skydiving. The first man jumps out and a swiss army knife falls out of his pocket. The second man jumps out and a kitchen knife falls out of his pocket. The third jumps out and a grenade falls out of his pocket. When they land, they go and look for the things they drop because they could have really hurt someone.

The first man is running along the street and sees a little boy crying. “Little boy, why are you crying?” he asks. The boy says, “A swiss army knife fell out of the sky and killed my cat!”

The second man is running along a street and sees a little girl crying. “Little girl, why are you crying?” he asks. The girl says, “A big kitchen knife fell from the sky and killed my puppy!”

The third man is running down a street and sees a little boy laughing hysterically. “Little boy, why are you laughing?” he asks. The boy says, “My dad farted and the house blew up!”