Daily Joke: Jokes Library

My high school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription, “BE MINE.”

The following day, I received a return valentine from the teacher. It read, “Thank you, but it’s still a BE MINE-US.”

One day a husband says to his wife, “Today is a fine day!” Next day he says it again. “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says same thing, “Today is a fine day.”

Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband, “Since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?”

“Last week when we had an argument, you said, ‘I will leave you one fine day.’ I was just trying to remind you.”

Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous,” the first one said.

“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented. “But I broke him of that habit real quick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid his teeth.”

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. “I’m not paying,” said the duck. “I’ve only got one bill and I’m not breaking it.”

“I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer.

“Then the duck’ll have to pay,” said the skunk. “Getting here cost me my last scent.”

Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?”

Abe says, “I don’t care.”

A few minutes later Shirley says, “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”

Abe says, “Your choice.”

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”

Abe says, “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.”