Daily Joke: Jokes Library

At a party of professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms and get an opinion about diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance and asked, “How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?”

“Simple,” answered the lawyer, “I send them a bill. That stops it.”

The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send out the bills. Much to his surprise, there sat a bill from the lawyer.

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi.

The next day she bought him an electric guitar.

As patrons were shopping at the mall around Christmas, Bill and Fred heard a commotion coming from the area where Santa greets the children. “What do you suppose is going on?” asked Bill.

A nearby shopper told them that the new Santa Clause, an eccentric old fellow, had attached dozens of clocks, watches, and other various timepieces onto his big wide belt, circling his whole body.

“Let’s go see him,” said Fred. “He sounds like a nut, but it’s worth checking out.”

“Naw, I’m not interested,” replied Bill.

“Why don’t you want to see Santa with a bunch of clocks tied around his midriff?”

“I’ll tell you why. It’s a waist of time!”

Wife: “No, I’m telling you, I’m right! He couldn’t eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit and Trix were only supposed to be for kids.”

Husband: “Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person.”

[A period of silence — the wife looks down at her food.]

Husband: “What’s wrong?”

Wife: “I’m just really getting tired of you always being wrong.”

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”