Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,’What’s with the money in the jar?’

‘Well… you pay $10 and if you pass three tests,you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.’

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up.

And so he asks, ‘What are the three tests?’

‘You must pay first… Those are the rules,’ says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

‘Okay,’ the bartender says, here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!’

The man is stunned. ‘I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot!

I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things’

‘Your call,’ says the bartender… ‘But, your money stays where it is.’

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks,he finally says, ‘Where’s the damn tequila?’

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.

Tears stream down both cheeks… But he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds.

Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead,he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.

He says, ‘Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?’

John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

“You know love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to John and says, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice. . . .

“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Three drunken guys entered a taxi after a heavy night of drinking.

Immediately realizing that the men were inebriated, he quickly thought up a plan to get rid of them.

He started the engine, turned it off again and said: “We have reached your destination”.

“Alright pal, here you go,” said the first guy as he gave him the money.

The second guy thanked him enthusiastically.

The third guy slapped him across the face with brute force.

“What was that for?” Yelled the surprised driver, thinking he was caught.

“Next time don’t go so fast! You nearly killed us!”

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes!

Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

An elderly priest, speaking to a younger priest, said: “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued: “And you told me that adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n’ roll gospel choir.

“Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest. “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that. But that flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”