Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?”

She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”

She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!”

He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”

A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”

“What happened?” The father asks.

“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’ So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’

“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?”

“Not yet.”

“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”

“Why?” asks the father.

“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my pe*is??'”

Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”

The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.”

“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”

Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.

“That’s what I bloody said!”

A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’

The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’

The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’

The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’

The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’

A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, ‘Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison.’

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: “Ah,young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!,” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the police station, out of breath, and shouted: “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.”

The police chief smiled and said: “Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah – L’amour! Zis is OK.”

“Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!”

Upon hearing this, Jean, leaped up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed: “Pierre, Pierre… this is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field; zere is a young couple naked having sex.”

To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.”

“Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: “NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!”

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: “Mon dieu!,” grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British.”

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?” So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman.