Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.’

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.  So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

‘We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!’

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’

With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: “The word was… the word was… CELEBRATE!!!”

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair.

She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his social security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She sniffed at him, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.

“I’ll make you a deal,” said the groom with a smile. “If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?” he asked.

“Yes!” said his adventurous wife.

As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress.

With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

“Go and get help!” he cried.

“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

“Take my shoe and cover yourself,” he said.

Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: “Please help me! My husband’s stuck!”

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: “There’s nothing I can do… he’s in too far.”

I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I’d get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I’m in my room and figure, what the hell, I’ll give her a call.

“Hello?” the woman says, ….oh God, she sounded sexy!!

“Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring anything you want.”

She says, “That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.”

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning for Jack.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”

“Well,” said the son, thoughtfully, “you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “I don’t know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!'”