09/18/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10571
They tell of a very rich and smart man who lived many years ago in a city far away. He had a big family – a wife, children and grandchildren – and was beloved by all. He was generous to his family and friends.
One day his wife passed away and he was left alone in his house. After the mourning period, his children came to him and said he shouldn’t live all alone in the big house.
“Sell your house and possessions,” they said. “Give it to us and you can live at the elder son’s house, and will never want for anything.”
The man agreed, sold all he had and divided it between his children, moving to the son’s house.
At first, he needed for nothing, and his children visited him often. But slowly, the children and grandchildren stopped showing. At his elder son’s house he became resentful, he often had no food, his clothes weren’t fixed properly, and he was ashamed to walk outside in them.
One day, the old man said to his son, “gather everyone and the mayor, I have something to tell you.”
When everyone gathered, the man said: “I have told you I sold everything, but that wasn’t the truth. I still have a suitcase filled with gold and jewelry. Since my day is coming fast, I want you to have it. It is locked with two keys, one I will give the mayor and the other my elder son. It’s buried under the big tree in front of our old house, and when I am dead you can open the suitcase and divide what is in there.”
Everyone was very excited to hear this, and from that day the man wanted for nothing again, surrounded by children and given food, clothes, and money. He lived the rest of his life in peace.
After his death, his family gathered around the big tree as the men began digging. And indeed they found the big suitcase, and with great ceremony opened it with the two keys.
But inside, all they found was the edge of a donkey’s tail and an envelope. The envelope contained a letter with only one line.
“Only an ass gives everything away too soon.”
09/17/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10568
An American tourist went on a trip to China. While in China, he was very sexually promiscuous and did not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakened one morning to find his member covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see his doctor.
The doctor, having never seen anything like that before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”
The man looked a little relieved and said, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”
The doctor answered, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your member.”
The man screamed in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”
The doctor replied, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”
The next day, the man sought out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’d know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his member and proclaimed, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”
The guy said to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my member!”
The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way.”
“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replied.
“Yes!” said the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”
09/16/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10565
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was.
Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what has happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good kettle?”
The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”
09/15/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10562
A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn – he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil.
Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
09/14/2017 from Daily Jokes
#10559
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN’T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”
The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
“Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”