Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

“Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,” the postman commented.

Craig, in obvious pain, replied: “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?”

The postman thought for a moment and said: “How do you play WHO AM I?”

‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The postman laughed and said, “Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Craig responded. “Your name came up seven times.”

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.

“Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?”, asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

A woman and man got into a car accident. Both of their cars were badly damaged, but amazingly neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of the wreckage, the woman said: “Wow, look at our cars – there’s nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other.”

The man replied: “Oh yes, I agree with you completely.”

The woman pointed to a bottle on the ground and said: “Here’s another miracle. Somehow this bottle of whisky from my back seat didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink it and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asked: “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replied: “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police – I’ll let them decide whose fault it is.”

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable.

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.

After flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion – your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.

A husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry” said the father, the important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Mom look great Dad”. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”.

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too!”