Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two Irish nuns had just arrived in the United States by boat. As they disembarked, one turned to the other and said, “I’ve heard that people here actually eat dogs.”

“Well,” her companion replied, “if we’re going to live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

With a decisive nod, the Mother Superior pointed toward a hot dog stand nearby, and the two made their way over.

“Two dogs, please,” one of them requested.

The vendor happily wrapped the hot dogs in foil and handed them over. The nuns hurried to a bench, eager to try this American custom.

The Mother Superior unwrapped hers first. Her face slowly turned red as she examined it. After a brief pause, she leaned over and whispered to the other nun, “Which part did you get?”

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered by Medicare

FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

A well-dressed, articulate husband and wife visit an adoption agency, hoping to adopt a child. The social workers are impressed—until the couple mention that they run a circus.

That gives the staff pause. A circus sounds unstable: animals, constant travel, an unusual environment. Concerns arise about whether it’s suitable for raising a child.

In response, the couple show photos of their 55-foot motorhome—immaculate, well maintained, and complete with a spacious, spotless nursery. Reassured, the social workers then ask about the child’s education.

“No problem,” the husband says. “We’ve hired a full-time tutor to cover all standard subjects, plus French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Still cautious, the social workers voice concerns about a child growing up in a circus atmosphere.

The wife smiles. “Our nanny is fully certified in pediatric care, child welfare, nutrition, and exercise—everything a child needs.”

Satisfied at last, the social workers ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband replies, “It doesn’t really matter—as long as they fit in a cannon.”

A young woman fell on hard times and began working as a prostitute. For obvious reasons, she kept this hidden from her family. One day, the police raided the brothel and arrested several of the women, including her.

They were told to stand in a line along the sidewalk. To her horror, her elderly grandmother happened to be walking past the scene. The young woman panicked.

Her grandmother spotted her and asked kindly, “What are you lining up for, dear?”

Not wanting to reveal the truth, the young woman quickly replied that people were giving away free oranges and she was waiting to get some.

“Oh, how nice,” her grandmother said. “I’ll have one too,” and she joined the back of the line.

As a police officer moved down the queue questioning each woman, he eventually reached the grandmother and looked puzzled.

“But you’re so old,” he said. “How do you manage?”

The grandmother smiled and replied, “Oh, it’s quite simple, son. I just take out my dentures and open wide.”

Men have long cracked jokes about women—some even land well.
But now, it’s the ladies’ turn to fire back…

Why do men get smarter during lovemaking?
Because they’re plugged into a genius.

Why don’t women blink during lovemaking?
They simply don’t have time.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

Why did God give men bigger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

And why did God create men before women?
Because you always need a rough draft before the final masterpiece.