Daily Joke: Jokes Library

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead.

“Harry, Harry, how are you?” he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

“Not so good,” says Harry.

“Why, what happened?” James queries.

“Well,” Harry says, “I just went bankrupt and I’ve still got to feed my family. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Could have been worse,” James replies calmly. “Could have been worse.”

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, in a restaurant. “And how are things now?” he asks.

“Terrible!” says Harry. “Our house burned down last night.”

“Could have been worse,” says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. “Well, how goes it?” he inquires.

“Oh!” says Harry. “Things just get worse and worse. It’s one tragedy after another! Now my wife has left me!”

Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: “Could’ve been worse.”

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders.

“Wait a minute!” he says. “I’m not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we’ve run into one another, and every time I’ve told you the latest disaster in my life. Every time you say the same thing: ‘Could have been worse.’ This time, for God’s sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven’s name could it have been any worse?”

James smiles at him: “Could have happened to me.”

One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.

“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”

“Yes. My husband and I use it during intercourse,” she answers.

The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.

“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.

“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

A local business was looking  for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.

During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck – you name it, she had it.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color.

She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”

“Oh sorry, ” Said God. “I didn’t recognize you.”

I met an older woman in a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked.

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like.

I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night’.

We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake?’