Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Day 1073 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt by dangling little objects in front of my face. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

Day 1074

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 1075

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cage, so he is safe. For now…

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven’t been fed in a while.

He accompanies an officer to check up on them.

The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer.

To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

“How is that possible?” said the officer. “That wall was solid concrete!”

The warden quietly inspected the cell.

After a few minutes, he exited and said, “He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole.”

The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist.

However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall.

And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.

The warden declared, “According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open.”

Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician.

Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation.

The officer sighed. “After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed.”

The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.

“It appears,” the warden said, “that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.”

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”

“Ummm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”

A young virgin couple is finally wed.

Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

“Pop, what do I do first?”

“Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

“Get naked and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

“Now what do I do?” he asks.

His father replies, “Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!” is the dad’s advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. “What do I do now?” she asks.

“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.

“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”

A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.

He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.

A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.

The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.

He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”

The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.

When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.

He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”