Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.”

BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman.

Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!”

BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels.

While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said: “you have one wish left.”

The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building’s transformation.

The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!”

BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man.

Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered

“I bet you wish you hadn’t had me fixed.”

A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him in a serious voice: “You go out on another date!”

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings herto her terrified parents, whothank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’ The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’ The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’

‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’

The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!

Nurse: “How old are you?”

Patient: “None of your business.”

Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I’m going to find it out anyway.”

Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”

Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”

Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”

Nurse: “Zero.”

Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he begins thinking about his dire situation. He hatches a plan. He calls home.

“Dad,” he says to his father, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing!” his Dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000,” the son says “and I’ll get him in the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this, they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

Read!?” says his father, taken aback. “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he ponders his problem, again and again, he comes up with a plan. He finds the dog a new home and gives him away to a loving family. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

“Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk to him!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicking back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, as he usually does. Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'”

The father went white, then red, then exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks that trash to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”