Daily Joke: Jokes Library

English is a great language for puns and word games, and as we’ve said before, we’re suckers for puns so bad that they are so good! Enjoy the following jokes, they made us laugh our socks off!

A bicycle can’t stand alone, it is two tired

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

A dentist and a manicurist married – they fought tooth and nail.

A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Acupuncture: A jab well done.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all-right now.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said “No change yet”.

The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.

Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet SMELL and their noses RUN.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Men often make jokes about women. Some of them are even funny.

But now it’s the ladies’ turn…

Why do men become smarter during lovemaking?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why don’t women blink during lovemaking?
They dont’t have enough time.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertize one egg?
Because they don’t stop to ask directions.

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs?
So they don’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

Why did God make men before women?
You always need a rough draft before you make the final copy.

A teacher asks a student:

“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”

“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.

“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”

“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”

A young woman, during tough times, was working as a prostitute. For obvious reasons, she kept this a secret from her family. One day, the police raided her brothel and arrested a group of working girls, including the young woman.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but the woman’s little old Grandma! The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, the Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for dear?”

Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young lady said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some myself,” and she made her way to the back of the queue. An officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to the old dear at the end, he was bewildered.

“But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”

Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and open wide.”

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. The whole street could hear them screaming and yelling whenever they had a confrontation. The old man used to say: “I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

One night, he died suddenly, and was buried. His wife celebrated by heading straight to the local bar to party as if there was no tomorrow. To her dismay, the old man returned to life the day after, and really did manage to dig his way out of his grave.

Inevitably, they went back to arguing as they always had done.

A couple of years went by, and the man died once again. The old woman went out to celebrate, just as she had done the first time he died. The neighbors asked about whether he really would come and haunt her for the rest of her life this time round.

“I don’t think he’ll be climbing out this time,” she said. “I had the old fool buried upside down.”