Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, “Father, I had an affair with a woman… almost.”

“What do you mean almost?” questioned the priest.

“Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

“Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,” explains the priest. “You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, “I saw that… you didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

“Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it’s the same as putting it in!”

This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. “Where is he?” he shouts. “Where’s the guy who’s been sleeping with you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy.

Finally he’s on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. “Aha!” he thinks, “That’s the guy who’s been sleeping with my wife.” He’s so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.

So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks “What are you doing here?” The guy says “Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died.”

St. Peter says “You don’t belong here; go to Hell.” He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks “What are you doing here?” The guy says “I don’t know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me.”

St. Peter wags his finger and says “I heard about you… you go to Hell too.” He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.

A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks “What are you doing here?”

The guy says “I don’t know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business…”

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.”

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?” “11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”

“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?” “Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

“Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?” Gomer looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

“It went great! The first day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”