Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”

Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”

Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”

Patient: “24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the VERY bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.

“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.

“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”

Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

An elderly gentleman is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven.”

The old man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman.

He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers, who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds, and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence.

He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the groin to make his point.

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file. When did that happen?”

The old man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”

A very old man and a young woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, “I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.

“Good,” she replies. “Get your own damned blanket!”