Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;…
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
“I am a dominator!!”
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!!”
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Thank you Pam Ayres.

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.”
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It’s odd though you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?”
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said:
“Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?”

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on
their sexual activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at
night by getting totally naked, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea,
so that night she got totally naked and began the long
process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was
a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg,
so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind
her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in!
You look like an asshxxle!!”

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, “Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse.”
Paw says, “All right, Maw.”
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”
Maw says, “Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.”
Paw says “I ain’t puttin my head in that there hole!”
Maw says, “Well you’re gonna have to if’n you’re gonna fix the problem!”
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”
Maw hollers, “Now pull your head out of the hole.” Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, “Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard’s stuck in the cracks in the seat!”
Maw says, “Aggravatin’, ain’t it?”

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
“What’s wrong?” gasps her best friend Carol.
“It’s my boyfriend.” gushes Judi.
“He was working on the engine under the hood of his car
when the lid came down and cut off a finger!”
“My god”, shrieks Carol. “Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?”
“No thank goodness” sniffs Judi.
“But it was the one just next to it!”