Daily Joke: Jokes Library

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one  of the man’s balls.
To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion.
Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.
“How’s your sex life?” the doctor asked.
“Pretty good,” the man said, to the doctor’s relief.
But then he added, “I’ve had some strange side effects though.”
“What’s that?” the doctor asks anxiously
“Well, every time I piss, my eyes water.
When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and
every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!”

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is ‘yes’.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male female issues.

They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.

The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up.

So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.

Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.

The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point.

Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered.

“Think about this When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better
your ear or your finger?

If you think life is bad…
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all…
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up…
Your life ain’t that bad!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay today!

Randy was in the hospital for a complete check-up.
At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.
At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up.
In preparation for the next day’s test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.
When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, “Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it!
If you refuse it, they sneak in while you’re asleep and shove it up your ass!