Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman passed her daughter’s room n heard a strange buzzing noise. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi brator.

Shocked, she asked why??

The daughter replied: mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. So Please,leave me alone.

Next day, the father heard the same buzz n upon entering, he also saw the same scene.

To his query,the daughter again said: dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, leave me alone.

A couple days later, the wife came home from  shopping and heard that buzzing noise coming from, the living room.

On entering she saw her husband sitting on the couch,downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vi brator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: What the fvck are you doing?

The husband replied:Im here Watching Some football with my son-in-law.

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip.
Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she
volunteered to take over for him one weekend.
She got everyone together and assigned different
duties to each scout.
Gabby was responsible for the food supplies,
Mike would be the cook this trip,
Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making
up a time schedule,
Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into
Johnnie’s schedule and Sally would test all their equipment
before setting out.
They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their
first event hiking up the mountain.
But first, they wanted to get something to eat.
So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and,
of course, Mike said he would.
About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally,
“I can’t make the supper.
I can’t light a fire with the matches you brought.”
Sally replied, “I don’t understand!
Those matches should be perfectly fine.
I tested them all just before we left.”

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, “Since you have died in a terrible way, I’ll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven.”

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says “I wish to be beautiful.”

God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing.

At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh.

The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder.

One after another, the people wish for the same thing.

The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs.

When God finally reaches him, he asks “What is your wish my son?”

The man says, “Make them all ugly again!”

Death: It’s your time. give me your hand

Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I’ll never die!

Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You’re soooo smart! High five!

Blonde: *high fives*

Death: Typical blonde… Dumbass…