Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.

She’s not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.

He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells,

“Spot, get down from there.”

The guy thinks,

“Great, they think the dog did it.”

He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells,

“Dammit Spot, get down before he craps on you.”

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears, the old man answers,

“Im in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers,

“You dont understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me or@l sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.”

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him.

“I dont understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?”

The senile old man answers, again through his tears,

“I forgot where I live.”

Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together.

The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one.

At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly:

“Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

Earl: “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!”

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:

Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,

‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.

The elderly lady hung her head.

‘I have to tell you the truth,’

she said,

‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old a$shole what his name is.’

Little Johnny and Susie were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door,

Little Johnny said,

“Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

Susie says, “Well, give me some examples.”

Little Johnny proceeds to tell him,

“Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.

“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”

Then Susie said,

“So, how do you unlock your door?”

Little Johnny proceeds to say,

“Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”