05/02/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17088
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
“I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested..
“I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said,
“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.
“$1,500!” she cried,”$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged,
“I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $1,500.”
05/01/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17086
On landing, the pilot says,
“Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.”
The hunters go out and return with two bears.
So the pilot says,
“I told you ONE bear!”
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.
After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get
aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.
The pilot says, “About the same place where we crashed last year.”
04/30/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17083
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come to get me and
take me home… Please, Mum!”
“Sarah,” her mother said, “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful!
Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what have you so upset.
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said,
“Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!”
04/29/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17081
A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”
Inspector: “What is her height?”
Husband: “I never checked.”
Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”
Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”
Inspector: “Colour of eyes.”
Husband: “Never noticed.”
Inspector: Colour of hair?”
Husband: “It changes according to season.”
Inspector: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”
Inspector: “Was she driving?”
Husband: “Yes.”
Inspector: “Tell me the type and colour of the car?”
Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”
Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!”
04/28/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17079
A student failed in the final law exam and decided to make a deal with the professor.
Student: Sir can I ask you one question?
Professor: Yes
Student: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final mark, if you can’t, you will have to give me an “A” grade.
The professor agreed.
Student asked: “what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither legal nor logical?”
Professor thought about it for hours and pondered, but couldn’t think of an answer.
He had to finally give up as he really didn’t know the answer.
He gave his boy an”A” grading as promised.
The following day professor asked same question to his students,He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.
He asked one student
He answered:
Sir you are 65, married to a 28 years old woman, this is legal but not logical.
Your wife is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal.
Your wife’s boyfriend has failed in his exam and yet you have given him an”A” this is neither logical nor legal. Professor fainted….