Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A frog hops into a bank and approaches the teller. From her nameplate, he sees her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack,” the frog says, “I’d like a $30,000 loan to go on holiday.”

Patty stares at him in disbelief and asks for his name.
“Kermit Jagger,” he replies. “My dad’s Mick Jagger—and it’s fine, I know the bank manager.”

Patty explains that a loan like that requires collateral.
“No problem,” says the frog, pulling out a tiny, perfectly made porcelain elephant—bright pink and barely an inch tall.

Completely baffled, Patty tells him she’ll need to check with the manager and heads to the back office.

She says, “There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who says he knows you and wants to borrow $30,000. He’s offering this as collateral.” She holds up the little pink elephant. “What on earth is this supposed to be?”

The manager looks at it, smiles, and says:
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

An atheist grew increasingly upset during the Christmas season and decided to take legal action. He filed a lawsuit arguing that Christians and Jews enjoyed numerous religious holidays, while atheists had none to celebrate.

The case was brought before a judge.

After hearing a lengthy and impassioned argument from the atheist’s attorney, the judge struck his gavel and announced, “Case dismissed.”

The lawyer immediately objected.
“Your Honour, how can you dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews celebrate Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet my client, and all atheists, have no holiday at all.”

The judge leaned forward and calmly replied, “It seems your client is simply unaware of his own holiday.”

The lawyer scoffed. “Your Honour, we know of no such holiday for atheists. When exactly would that be?”

The judge answered, “It occurs every year on the same date. Psalm 14:1 says, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’
So if your client claims there is no God, the Bible defines him as a fool.

That makes April Fool’s Day his holiday. Court is adjourned.”

’Twas the night before Christmas, the house calm and still,
As I hunted for tools at my partner’s goodwill.
We studied instructions with hope and with fear,
Determined to conquer “assembly required.”

The children lay quiet (wide awake in their beds),
While dread slowly crept through the thoughts in our heads.
A kitchen, two bicycles, Barbie’s whole town,
And a train from Grandpa that chirped every round.

We opened the boxes—my heart nearly stopped,
Please let nothing be missing, no pieces be dropped.
No time for returns, no swaps to be made;
Get this wrong and it’s basement-bound, I’m afraid.

Then what did my anxious eyes come to see,
But fifty-page manuals, confusing as can be.
Every part numbered, each hole precisely named,
So failure meant clearly ourselves to be blamed.

Faster than eagles, the components spilled free,
Across all the carpet in wild disarray.
“Now tighten! Now turn it! No—attach it right there!
Add the seat, fix the steps, mind the stair!”
Bang went the hammer, glue stuck to a stand.
“Honey,” he muttered, “you’ve glued to my hand.”

And then it was clear, without doubt or denial,
The toy makers met long ago with a smile,
Agreeing parents should labour all night
On Christmas Eve builds till the morning brings light.

We spoke not a word, just worked through the pain,
With tired, aching fingers and eyes going strain.
The coffee went cold, the night stretched on thin,
Till the final last screw and the ultimate pin.

At last tools were packed and put safely away,
We collapsed into bed as dawn neared the day.
Just before sleep claimed me, I whispered out loud,
“This Christmas will be perfect—I’m certain, I’m proud.

Tomorrow we’ll laugh, let the festivities start,
No rushing to shops, no last-minute cart.
We did it, we did it, the toys all stand ready 
The most perfect Christmas already, I’m steady.”

Off into dreamland I thankfully went,
Until one small thought caused deep discontent…
For all of that effort, that sweat and those tears 
I forgot that the batteries are never included.

A man calls a company and signs up for their 5-day, 5-pound weight-loss program.

The very next morning, there’s a knock at his door. Standing outside is a fit, curvy 19-year-old woman wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as the company representative. The sign reads: “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He doesn’t hesitate. He takes off running after her. A few miles later, completely winded, he gives up. The same thing happens for the next four days. On day five, he steps on the scale and is thrilled to see he’s lost 5 pounds—right on target.

Impressed, he calls back and orders the 5-day, 10-pound program.

The next morning, another knock. This time it’s the most stunning, breathtaking woman he’s ever seen, again wearing only running shoes and a sign that says, “If you catch me, you can have me.”

He chases her every day for five days, pushing himself harder each time. By the end of the program, he’s in great shape—and down another 10 pounds, just as promised.

Feeling unstoppable, he calls the company again and orders their 7-day, 25-pound program.

The representative hesitates. “Are you sure? This is our toughest plan.”

“Absolutely,” he says. “I’ve never felt better.”

The next morning, there’s a knock at the door.

He opens it to find a massive, muscular man wearing pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

“If I catch you, you’re mine.”

A doctor was speaking to a packed audience in Oxford about modern nutrition.

“The junk we put into our bodies should have wiped most of us out years ago,” he said. “Red meat is pumped with additives and coloring. Soft drinks eat away at the stomach lining. Chinese food is full of MSG. Diets high in trans fats are extremely harmful, and we barely consider the long-term damage caused by bacteria in our drinking water.”

He paused, then added, “But there is one food that is more dangerous than all the rest—something most of us have eaten or will eat. Can anyone tell me which food causes the most pain and suffering years after it’s consumed?”

After a moment of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and quietly replied:

“Wedding cake?”