Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Four brothers left home for college and went on to become very successful—doctors and lawyers who prospered greatly. Years later, after sharing dinner together, they began talking about the gifts they had given their elderly mother, who lived alone in another city.

The first brother said, “I had a large house built just for Mum.”

The second added, “I installed a home theatre in her house—worth over a hundred thousand dollars.”

The third said proudly, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a brand-new SL600.”

The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mum loves the Bible, but her eyesight is failing and she can’t read anymore. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers twelve years to teach him. I had to donate $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Now Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

The other brothers were amazed.

After the holidays, their mother sent thank-you notes.

To the first she wrote, “Milton, the house you built is enormous. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the whole place. Still, thank you.”

To the second: “Marvin, I’m too old to travel. I stay at home and have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was kind—thank you.”

To the third: “Michael, the theatre you gave me is very expensive and holds fifty people, but all my friends have passed on, I can hardly hear, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it, but thank you for the gesture.”

And to the fourth she wrote, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son with enough sense to choose the perfect gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”

An elderly man in Oklahoma rings his son in New York and says, “I hate to spoil your day, son, but I need to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. After 45 years of marriage, we’ve had enough misery.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son shouts.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other anymore,” his father replies. “We’re fed up, and I’m tired of explaining it. You call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her.”

Panicked, the son phones his sister. She immediately erupts. “Absolutely not! They are not getting divorced. I’ll sort this out.”

She calls her elderly father straight away and yells, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t you dare do anything!”

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife. “Well,” he says, “that’s it sorted. They’re both coming for Christmas—and paying their own airfare.”

A travel agent glanced up from his desk and noticed an elderly lady and gentleman standing outside his shop window, gazing at the posters of glamorous destinations from around the world.

He’d been having a great week, and seeing the rather downcast couple stirred an unexpected wave of generosity.

Calling them inside, he said,
“I know that living on a pension, a holiday like this would normally be out of reach. So I’m sending you to a fabulous resort—on me—and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He ushered them in, instructed his secretary to issue two plane tickets, and booked them into a five-star hotel.

Naturally, they accepted with delight and soon set off on their adventure.

About a month later, the little old lady returned to the shop.

“And how was your holiday?” the agent asked eagerly.

“The flight was thrilling, and the room was beautiful,” she replied.
“I just came to thank you—but there’s one thing that puzzled me…”

“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”

A blonde wanders into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy New Year.

“Well,” the bartender says, “rates are pretty steep on New Year’s. I’ll need a couple of dollars.”

“Oh no,” she sighs. “I don’t have a penny. This is my first holiday away from my family—what am I supposed to do?”

The bartender thinks for a moment, then smiles. “Why don’t you step back here behind the bar? I’m sure we can figure something out.”

Grateful, the blonde hurries behind the bar just as the bartender unzips his fly. Gesturing downward, he says, “Alright, sweetheart, just put your mouth up to this.”

Eager to comply, she kneels down, leans in, and innocently says, “Hello, Mom?”

An elderly couple from Arizona, both in their late 80s, visited a relationship therapist.

The doctor asked, “How can I help you?”

The husband replied, “Would you mind watching us have intercourse?”

Surprised but curious—given their age—the therapist agreed.

After they finished, the doctor said, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with how you’re doing it.” He thanked them, wished them well, charged $50, and sent them on their way.

The following week, the couple returned and made the same request. Though puzzled, the doctor agreed again.

This went on for several weeks. Each time, the couple booked an appointment, had intercourse without issue, paid the fee, and left.

After three months, the doctor finally asked, “I have to know—what exactly are you trying to find out?”

The man replied, “Nothing at all. She’s married, so we can’t go to her place. I’m married, so we can’t go to mine.

The Holiday Inn costs $98. The Hilton charges $139. Here it’s $50—and best of all, Medicare covers $43 of it.”