08/16/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21015
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”
“Great”, says Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you … be some drinkin.”
“Not a problem” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there, thanks again.”
“More’n likely be some wild s3x, too.”
“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea.
“I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter … just gonna be the two of us.”
08/15/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21011
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. “They were drinking?” asked the officer. The monkey again nodded up and down.
“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey again nodded yes in agreement. “Now wait, you’re saying they were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked?” asked the officer.
“Yes,” nodded the monkey, emphatically.
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving,” motioned the monkey.
08/14/2025 from Daily Jokes
#21000
On a calm Sunday evening, Bert and Edna, an elderly couple, are seated on the porch swing.
They have been wed for fifty-five years. They are both drinking lukewarm tea while they watch squirrels in the yard battle for a Cheeto as the sun sets and the birds sing.
Edna sighs suddenly and says, “Bert, let’s discuss our bucket lists.”
Bert’s eyebrows go up. “Lists of buckets? I’m 87, Edna. “Wake up tomorrow and remember where I put my pants” is the last item on my list.
Edna laughs. “No, I’m not kidding. Each of us should do something we’ve always wanted to do but haven’t had the opportunity to do before we leave.
Bert pauses to reflect. “All right, all right. Skydiving has always been a dream of mine.
Edna’s eyes enlarge. “Skydiving? Bert, you fainted for three minutes the last time you knelt down to tie your shoe.
Bert gives a shrug. “Well, just let me land in the neighbor’s garden if I do fall in midair. My goal has always been to haunt him.
Edna nods and they laugh. “All right, all right. You take a skydive. I’ll complete mine as well.
Bert narrows his eyes. “And what do you have?”
Edna’s eye suddenly sparkles mischievously, just like it did when she “accidentally” dropped Bert’s bowling trophy out the car window during a fight in 1965.
“Bert, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.”
Bert swallows. “What do you confess?
“You know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?” Edna whispers as she leans in closer.
Bert gives a nod. Yes, I did blame the dog. It hobbled for weeks, poor thing.
Edna grins. “Well, I did it. After you spilled grape soda on my brand-new curtains in 1989, I jammed a spatula in the bottom.
Bert lets out a gasp. “You are a monster!”
Edna chuckles. “And recall how, regardless of the button you pressed, the remote kept switching to the Hallmark channel?”
Bert blinked. “You mentioned that it was haunted!”
Edna smiles. “No. To short-circuit the battery, I adhered a penny inside the compartment. For five years in a row, you never missed a Christmas romance film.
Bert’s jaw falls open. “What made you do that?”
Calmly, Edna sips her tea. “Because slow-motion snowball fights and mistletoe are the best ways to get back at someone, sweetie.”
Bert pauses for a while before leaning back in the swing and saying, “Edna, you know what? I also have a confession.
“Oh?” she asks.
“Do you recall my Saturday “fishing trips” that lasted for ten years?”
Edna gives him a look. “You don’t go fishing.”
“I am aware,” says Bert with pride. “I was at the alley for bowling.” I took home four awards. They are concealed in the basement behind the water heater.
Edna looks at him incredulously. “You mean I unintentionally threw a fake trophy out the window of the car?”
They both started laughing.
Edna purchased a new recliner, Bert went skydiving, and they now go bowling together every Saturday, primarily to watch out for one another.
After nearly 60 years of marriage, an 85-year-old couple tragically died in a car accident and reached the Pearly Gates.
They had been in excellent shape for the past ten years because of the wife’s obsession with exercise and nutritious diets.
After giving them a cordial welcome, St. Peter showed them their heavenly home, which included a gourmet kitchen, a Jacuzzi, a large bedroom, and even a pool table.
“Whoa! “What is the price of this?” the husband inquired.
“Nothing,” said St. Peter. “Everything is free—this is heaven!”
Then he took them to a championship golf course a short drive from their house, where they could play whenever they wanted, have an angel as their caddy, and take in a course that changed every day to resemble the best greens in the world.
“Wonderful!” exclaimed the wife. “What about the green fees?”
“Free,” laughed St. Peter. “Heaven is here.”
They then went on a tour of a five-star restaurant that served an unlimited buffet that included prime rib, lobster, Wagyu beef, exotic vegetables, and dream-like desserts.
Still doubtful, the husband said, “All right, but how much?”
“For the final time, sir… It’s free. Heaven is here!
The husband paused. “So, are there any low-fat, low-cholesterol options available?”
St. Peter chuckled. “You won’t get sick or put on weight in heaven. Consume anything you like!
The husband’s face flushed, his fists clenched, and he began yelling at the sky.
Confused, his wife questioned, “What’s wrong?
He shouted, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!” and pointed at her. We could still be here today if it weren’t for your paleo chicken and bran muffins!
08/13/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20997
One spelling mistake, and a husband cannot go home.
A Husband wrote a romantic message to his wife on his official business trip, and missed an “e” in the last word. Now he is seeking police protection to enter his own home.
He wrote: “Hi darling, I am experiencing the best time of my life, and I wish you were her.”
08/12/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20994
A couple of old ladies were sitting on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren.
“I send gifts, greeting cards, and checks to my grandchildren,” complains one, “and still they barely visit me!”
The second old lady said, “Oh, I also send checks to my grandchildren, and they visit me all the time!”
“You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own,” said the first one sadly.
The second old lady smiled: “No, my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours.”
“So what do YOU do different? Are your checks bigger than mine?” Asked the first one, surprised.
“No,” chuckled the other old lady, “I just don’t sign mine.”