Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly woman walked into a Bank of America branch carrying an enormous bag of cash.

She told the receptionist she wished to see the bank president, as she intended to deposit a very large sum of money. The receptionist tried to refuse, but the woman refused to leave. With no other option, the receptionist went to speak to the president.

Moments later, she returned and said, “You’re in luck this morning. He’ll see you.”

Inside the office, the bank president asked, “How may I help you, madam?”

“I’d like to open a new account and deposit this money,” the woman replied.

“And how much would that be?” he asked.

“$180,000,” she said, emptying the cash onto his desk.

The president was taken aback. “That’s a substantial amount of cash. How did you obtain it? We are not a money-laundering facility.”

“Oh, nothing illegal,” she said calmly. “I make bets.”

“Bets?” he asked. “What kind of bets?”

“For example,” she said, “I bet you that your right hand tastes like eggs—only your right hand, not your left. Let’s meet tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. If I’m right, you owe me $25,000. If I’m wrong, I’ll pay you $10,000.”

The president was stunned. The bet sounded impossible. But the banker in him saw easy money and agreed almost immediately.

“Excellent,” she said. “I’ll be here at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow with my lawyer. No backing out.”

Though confident, the president grew uneasy. He barely slept that night, repeatedly smelling and even licking his hands, certain there was nothing unusual about them.

The next morning at exactly 9:00 a.m., the old lady arrived with her lawyer.

“May I check your hands now, sir?” she asked.

“Of course,” he replied.

She took his right hand, sniffed it carefully, then briefly licked it.

At that moment, her lawyer began banging his head against the wall.

Delighted at winning $10,000 and embarrassed about how much he had worried, the president asked why the lawyer was behaving so strangely.

The lawyer sighed and said, “I had a bet with her for $100,000. She told me she would be licking the president of the Bank of America’s hand at 9:00 a.m. today.”

An elderly couple had been married for decades, despite thoroughly despising one another. Whenever they argued, the entire street could hear the shouting. The old man would often bark, “When I die, I’ll dig my way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

One night, he suddenly passed away and was buried. His wife wasted no time celebrating, heading straight to the local pub and partying like there was no tomorrow. Much to her horror, the very next day the old man reappeared—having actually dug his way out of his grave.

Before long, they were right back to arguing as usual.

A few years later, the man died again. Once more, the old woman went out celebrating, just as she had the first time. The neighbours asked if she thought he would return to haunt her again.

“I don’t think so this time,” she replied. “I had the old fool buried upside down.”

Two Irish nuns had just arrived in the United States by boat. As they disembarked, one turned to the other and said, “I’ve heard that people here actually eat dogs.”

“Well,” her companion replied, “if we’re going to live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

With a decisive nod, the Mother Superior pointed toward a hot dog stand nearby, and the two made their way over.

“Two dogs, please,” one of them requested.

The vendor happily wrapped the hot dogs in foil and handed them over. The nuns hurried to a bench, eager to try this American custom.

The Mother Superior unwrapped hers first. Her face slowly turned red as she examined it. After a brief pause, she leaned over and whispered to the other nun, “Which part did you get?”

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered by Medicare

FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

A well-dressed, articulate husband and wife visit an adoption agency, hoping to adopt a child. The social workers are impressed—until the couple mention that they run a circus.

That gives the staff pause. A circus sounds unstable: animals, constant travel, an unusual environment. Concerns arise about whether it’s suitable for raising a child.

In response, the couple show photos of their 55-foot motorhome—immaculate, well maintained, and complete with a spacious, spotless nursery. Reassured, the social workers then ask about the child’s education.

“No problem,” the husband says. “We’ve hired a full-time tutor to cover all standard subjects, plus French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Still cautious, the social workers voice concerns about a child growing up in a circus atmosphere.

The wife smiles. “Our nanny is fully certified in pediatric care, child welfare, nutrition, and exercise—everything a child needs.”

Satisfied at last, the social workers ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband replies, “It doesn’t really matter—as long as they fit in a cannon.”