Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop:

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 euros

In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 euros

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 euros

Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 euros

This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said.

“Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.”

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered.

“Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.”

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

He’d never been to church in his life:

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.

“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said.

“I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said.

“Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.

“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head.

“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea.

“I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.

They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion’s team received.

They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.

The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged.

First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.

He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.

The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6.

In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk.

“Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”

The second half began.

Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.

Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.

First, he stomped two gazelles.

He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.

It looked like he was home free.

Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead.

There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him.

The lion went over to see what had happened.

Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.

“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”

“I was putting on my shoes.”

After three weeks of waxing, buffing, and whispering “Why God, why?” into a YouTube tutorial, Maxwell finally resurrected his beloved ’68 motorcycle , shiny, wobbly, and held together by hope and duct tape.

He threw on his old leather jacket — now clinging to him like a regretful ex.

“Come on, Adel,” he said, striking a pose. “Let’s relive the glory days.”

Adel squinted at the bike like it owed her money.
“Maxwell, the last time we ‘relived glory,’ you got stuck in a hammock and called 911 because you ‘lost circulation in your sense of dignity.'”

He tossed her a helmet. “This time’s different. I upgraded the seat cushion.”
“With what? Memory foam or a prayer?”

They eased onto the street at what GPS politely called “scenic walking pace.”
Maxwell grinned like he’d invented transportation. Adel braced for osteoporosis.

Then — a turtle shuffled past on the sidewalk.
Wearing a tiny reflective vest.
And tiny little athletic tape on one leg.

Adel leaned in. “Maxwell… did that turtle just pass us? And is he dressed like a construction worker?”

Maxwell squinted. “That’s Todd. From bridge club. Hip replacement, new attitude, and  I swear  a Fitbit.”

Adel: “Should I wave?”

Maxwell: “Nah. He’s moving too fast. You’ll pull a muscle in your wrist.”

Todd power-walked past them  again  giving a smug nod like he just broke the sound shell.

Adel waved anyway.

Maxwell muttered, “Remind me to key his walker… and hide his electrolyte powder.”